March 9, 2018. March is the 3rd month and both 9 and 18 are divisible by 3. My mother was 1 of 3 children and Tyler’s childhood street address was 1242, which, when added together as individual numbers equals 9, which is divisible by 3, so the date has A LOT of significance for us. Also, it’s a Friday which is just generally cheaper for weddings.

After cornering a meteorologist in his driveway with a leftover pumpkin carving knife, I can assure you it will be clear skies and an unseasonable high of 62 with things cooling off to a low of 41 in the evening.

Of course I already have the dress. Here’s what it looks like: close your eyes, and imagine the most perfect dress you’ve ever seen. There. That’s it. That’s my dress. If, on the day of the wedding, the dress I am wearing does not look like the dress you imagined, please close your eyes again.

We will be merging our two last names into one, removing all vowels, then adding them back in but at the very end of the word and changing any ‘I’ to a ‘Y’, then visiting that talkative teenage cashier we always get at Acme and asking her how she would pronounce it. Her word shall be law.

The officiant is a local celebrity, who is also a family friend, a charismatic speaker and the owner of a lovely vineyard that he’s agreed to marry us on. You’ve never met him before. He is ordained in whatever your religion is, has every line written by Rumi AND the Beatles memorized, and most importantly he has promised to not wear a vest.

Our colors are the color you see when you close your eyes really really hard until you feel it in your brain and a hot flash of pigment shoots out from the black, something you feel more than you see. It’s that color paired with mint green.



The Higgs Weldon is a humor website with funny stories, articles, cartoons, and one liners. It was started by the Los Angeles stand-up comedy community, but takes submissions from everybody. Please read and enjoy our jokes!