1497862298_Layer-28I am having a crisis! After running over this woman who didn’t put her shopping cart away last week at the grocery store, I have officially eliminated all of my enemies. Cool, right?


Now I have nothing to do.

(I thought I had so many more enemies than this.)

I have spent my entire life looking for ways to spell the downfall of people who don‘t let their dogs smell anything when they take them out for a walk or guys who put sunglasses on the back of their heads when they aren’t using them, as if that didn‘t obviously look fucking stupid. Well, they are all gone now and I have no idea what to do with myself. Can you help me?!

What do people usually do when they have vanquished everybody who opposes them?


Honestly, I thought it would be easier than this. I knew there was going to be an adjustment period during which a few people who I didn’t really have a problem with were going to die as I struggled with this new life but I assumed I would eventually figure it all out.

Well, seven days in and that is not the case.

To think, I prayed for this every time I wanted to go out but couldn’t because I had to track down some low life I saw entering through the exit side of a store earlier.

That will teach me not to buy a nuclear bomb from Pakistan again and wipe out the entire state of Kansas in one fell swoop. That could have kept me going for years!

So please if you have any suggestions or know somebody who has also eliminated all of their enemies, let me know.

I am going out of my mind here!


The Higgs Weldon is a humor website with funny stories, articles, cartoons, and one liners. It was started by the Los Angeles stand-up comedy community, but takes submissions from everybody. Please read and enjoy our jokes! 


facebookfooter twitterfooter tumblrfooter rssfooter

Sign up for our monthly email list!