As of 2018, The Higgs Weldon has been up and running for 5 years. To celebrate, we are re-publishing some of our favorite pieces from over the years for the entire month of January. This article was originally published on February 10, 2016.
Eight weeks ago I scooped some soil into the palms of my hands while I was on a hike. I decided to keep holding the soil for eight weeks.
Those eight weeks were some of the hardest of my life. I had to learn to sleep standing up while resting my arms on a short marble pillar in hopes of not spilling my soil.
My girlfriend had to feed me and I was not able to use my cell phone at all. Sorry for not texting back, Mom, haha.
Anyway, enough exposition. Here’s what happened:
I found some good soil. Scooped it up.
Nothing eventful. I went to my friend Emmet’s house and he painted my fingernails gold. I couldn’t paint them myself because the soil.
That was a fun day, haha. Went to Papa’s ranch.
I almost gave up. I had a four hour fever dream where my wife birthed a baby with eyes of soil. Eventually, I woke in the waiting room of a Costco optometry office only to find a seedling! I said to myself, “Holy shit, God works in mysterious ways!” The whole experience gave me the strength to carry on.
I went to a SSG (Soil Support Group). It’s a place where people of different ages help you hold your soil. I met an old man named Lerman. He told me my soil was beautiful and tried to touch my knee. I didn’t let him.
My sprout turned into a baby tree. It was so exciting to see something grow before my very eyes.
That was a weird week. LoL.
My sprout finally matured into a small Earth. I went out that night and threw it into space. It was time to let go and for me to return to my normal life.
To wrap up, this experience was amazing. Some people asked me, “Adam, why hold soil in your hands for eight weeks?” I gave them three reasons:
1. Why not do anything?
2. So I can say I accomplished something.
3. So I can write an article about it so everyone knows I did that thing.
Also, my biceps got ripped from holding my arms at a 90 degree angle for 8 straight weeks:
Sayonara readers ;)
The Higgs Weldon is a humor website with funny stories, articles, cartoons, and one liners. It was started by the Los Angeles stand-up comedy community, but takes submissions from everybody. Please read and enjoy our jokes!