I was standing next to the pool tables at Franklin’s watching two strangers shoot billiards – honestly, I was just trying to look like I had something to do. I was holding a quarter-full pint glass of Two Hearted Ale and didn’t want to awkwardly stand around the dance floor. It was 11:30 PM and I was miserable, looking for a reason to go home. Then it happened. I saw her. This beautiful girl. My heart popped. She was the one. I knew it the moment I saw her across the bar. She was going to be the one that I would spend the rest of my night getting rejected by.
Jesus, let me tell you, when you see the girl. The girl of your dreams. The girl you have no chance with. The girl that under every circumstance will tell you no. No words can truly describe the way you feel. You’re overwhelmed, excited, exhilarated, helpless, eager, scared, nervous. You’re feeling every emotion blended into one. You know you have to go talk to her, but at first, you’re frozen. You can’t even move. Your imagination goes wild. You imagine confidently walking up to her. You imagine coolly introducing yourself. You imagine looking into her bold green eyes and realizing that you’ve found the girl that will turn you down all the way to the 2 AM closing time.
Then after you shake off the initial spurt of fantasy, you try thinking of ways to approach her. What is the perfect way to grab her attention? Should you bump into her? Should you go up and ask to buy her a drink? Should you start talking to her friends so she notices you getting rejected by them first? There were so many techniques to make that pretty girl at the bar notice you and then quickly show entirely zero interest in you, but how do you choose the perfect one?
Well, you can’t. There is no one perfect way for the perfect girl. If this is the girl, then any way should be the perfect way. Trust that every way you could even think of approaching her, she will wholly refuse.
So, I decided to just walk up to her and ask to buy her a drink. Just go right for it. She was the one. So I did it. I started walking towards her and BOOM! She noticed me. We made eye-contact. It was rejection at first sight.
She looked away immediately after we made eye-contact. I could see her leap, like a frightened deer, into the conversation with her friends and actively try to look deeply engaged in it. She put her arms around their waists to close-off the circle from any outsiders. She even hastily glanced in my direction to see if I was still walking towards her. She was giving me all the signs!
Any charming energy I felt was dispensed with the honesty of her outright denial. She pretty much pointed at me and said, “You! You in the half-sleeve Dockers button-up – I feel this deep, pure repulsion towards you. This repulsion that I can see lasting a lifetime.” It was intoxicating. She understood that I was in love with her. I genuinely couldn’t believe I found the one that knew I absolutely wasn’t the one.
So, how did the night go? Well, my friends still tell me they haven’t seen such complete rejection like they did that night. Her moves, facial expressions and gestures all pointed towards a profound desire to deny me. The rejections were coming at such rapid fire that I couldn’t even get close enough to speak with her.
I haven’t actually seen her since this happened three years ago. Although it’s unlikely, I believe I will see her again. I anticipate it will be at another bar or maybe at a new location, like a coffee shop or a bookstore. Oh, and I’m positive this time around, she’ll take one look at me and puke for the rest of eternity.
The Higgs Weldon is a humor website with funny stories, articles, cartoons, and one liners. It was started by the Los Angeles stand-up comedy community, but takes submissions from everybody. Please read and enjoy our jokes!