I fucking love the planet. That shit is literally my goddamn home. So yeah, of course I’m going to be thinking of different ways to ensure its safety. If the Earth is unlivable, that means no home, and no home means moving back in with my parents. And I cannot do that.  

Everyday, I do my part to help the planet because it’s the morally responsible thing to do. I brag about all the online petitions I’ve signed. I share info about all the climate change articles that I’ve only read the headlines to. And I even scold people when they tell me that I’m wrong and “misguided.”

Sometimes, the best thing I can do to help the planet is just think of cool ideas. Because sometimes saying you’re going to do something, is almost as useful as actually doing something. My recent ideas include: biodegradable cars, biodegradable bullets, biodegradable condoms, anything you could possibly think of, I’ve already thought of its biodegradable version. So don’t even think about stealing my work.  

Naturally, my best ideas come when I’m in the shower. Like my idea for a solar powered vape pen. The longer I’m in the shower, the more great ideas I can think of. It honestly feels like global warming has caused climate change within my own mind, and my idea levels are gradually rising; just like the ocean!

I chose to take a 30-minute shower to really flush out some thoughts. My mind is a garden of infinitely great idea crops just waiting to be cultivated. All I have to do is use Earth’s most precious finite resource to grow them all.

I let my water heat up for about 10 minutes, so that it could reach the perfect temp. While I was waiting for the water to get ready I turned on every light in my house, so it could be warm and I could dry off faster as soon as I step out. No need for a towel, that’s just gonna waste water once I wash it. Pretty bright, huh?  

As I stepped into the shower, I immediately felt the warm water hit my skin. At that moment, I thought, “What if a hotter planet isn’t so bad?” but then I remembered those video links that I sent everybody of polar bears floating on tiny pieces of ice. I couldn’t turn my back on them, they’re the only thing I care about.

I didn’t wash my body with that chemical gunk called “soap.” That stuff contaminates our water, plus I forgot to pick some up. At the 25-minute mark I looked down at the puddle of water, and saw my reflection. I realized that I was a fraud. I didn’t know anything about climate change. The only thing I know about the environment is the cool places that I go to hike, then take Instagram pictures of so people think I’m outdoorsy. It was pretty clear that if I wanted the planet to live, I had to die, but I’m not down for that.

At the 30-minute mark, I thought of the best way for people like me to save the planet. Donate to organizations I know nothing about! Maybe a nonprofit that has a panda for its logo. Or a picture of a globe with children holding hands. Yeah! That’s it! Thank Gaia for people like me.



The Higgs Weldon is a humor website with funny stories, articles, cartoons, and one liners. It was started by the Los Angeles stand-up comedy community, but takes submissions from everybody. Please read and enjoy our jokes!


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