I think my therapist is a drunk.

I have mixed feelings about this, so I decided to write down the PROS and CONS of working with this particular therapist.

I’ll start with the CONS:

CONS:

-Therapist expresses weekly scheduling confusion via (probably drunk) text messages such as these:

MONDAY TEXT MESSAGE:
Therapist: Hi Nicole!!! Hope you’re having a good week!!! See you Tuesday at 4pm! :) :)

Me: Hi. You too. But my appointment is Thursday at noon.

WEDNESDAY TEXT MESSAGE:
Therapist: Hi Nicole!!! Hope you are well and it’s not too cold outside!! See you at 2pm today! :) :)

Me: Hi. You too. But my appointment is Thursday at noon.

-Therapist seems to be completely caught off guard when I arrive on time to my weekly, Thursday appointment (probably because she’s been drinking):

NICOLE uses call box at main door- like she does every week. THERAPIST picks up phone. NICOLE hears a lot of shuffling around- like she does every week, followed by:

Therapist: “Hellooo?”

Nicole: “Hi. It’s Nicole.”

Therapist: “Who?”

Nicole: “It’s Nicole. I’m here for my therapy appointment.”

Therapist: “Nicole?? Where are you?”

Nicole: “Yes, it’s Nicole. I’m at the front door.”

Therapist:”Oh Hi Nicole! Are you at the front door?”

Nicole: “Hi. Yes.”

Therapist: “Ok! Great! Are you at the door, Nicole?”

Nicole: “Yes. I am talking to you from the call box at the front door.”

Therapist: “Wonderful! Just give me a minute here and I will buzz you in. Ok?”

Nicole: “Ok.”

Therapist: “Nicole?”

Nicole: “Yes.”

Therapist: “I’m going to buzz you in and then I’ll need you to go ahead and wait in the lobby for about 10 minutes.”

Nicole: “Ok.”

Therapist: “Nicole? Ok? Did you hear my message?”

Nicole: “Yes. I heard you. You said wait in the lobby for 10 minutes.”

Therapist: “Ok. I’m going to go ahead and buzz you in now, and then I need you to go ahead and just wait right there in the lobby for about ten to 15 minutes and then you can come on up!”

Nicole: “Ok.”

NICOLE waits in lobby. NICOLE sends text message to her friend DENISE that says, “I think my therapist is drunk.”

10 minutes pass and NICOLE goes upstairs and knocks on THERAPIST’S door.

THERAPIST answers door with purple stained teeth.
THERAPIST is laughing.

Therapist: “I am so sorry! I completely forgot about our appointment today MICHELLE!”

-Therapist often thinks my name is MICHELLE.

PROS:

-Therapist supports my decision to treat clinical depression without medication.

-Therapist never rushes our sessions (probably cuz she’s intoxicated).

-Therapist is nice to me and looks at me lovingly even when I’m saying things that make me sound like a total cunt (probably cuz she’s hammered).

-Therapist has guided me into a meditation where I was able to experience the vastness of the universe until she started snoring because she fell asleep in her chair (probably cuz she was shit-faced).

-Therapist is willing to converse with me at length about God, spirituality, past lives, and parallel universes- without making me feel like I’m being weird (probably cuz she’s wasted).

-Therapist is capable of offering very practical and surprisingly helpful advice (while she’s intoxicated) on how I can be an INTP personality that goes outside and has friends.

-Therapist helped me see (while she was totally bombed) that I have a vicious and relentless self-critic that scrutinizes EVERY-FUCKING-THING about me, and she offered up helpful (slurred) suggestions on how to deal with it.

-Therapist helped me identify my “inner child”- which is basically just diarrhea.

-Therapist somewhat convinced me (while she was plastered) that the malcontented nihilistic voice that sees zero point in existence and is all like “Hey! Kill yourself!” – isn’t necessarily right.

-Therapist seems more like a (drunk) relative than a therapist.

-Therapist is a lot like the (more or less always drunk) very wise and loving grandmother that I’ve always wanted.

-(Drunk) Therapist might be exactly the kind of therapist I need.

PROS win!

 

 

 
 

The Higgs Weldon is a humor website with funny stories, articles, cartoons, and one liners. It was started by the Los Angeles stand-up comedy community, but takes submissions from everybody. Please read and enjoy our jokes!


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