Firstly I want to say how much I love you and our relationship which has developed into you being a dominant and me being a submissive. It’s made me feel closer to you than I ever have before, and I want to keep exploring our relationship in these roles. That being said, I think our safe word might be a little too long.

I understand that safe words shouldn’t be something you could accidentally say. They should be something you very consciously have to choose to say, but “otorhinolaryngologist” is not working for me. I can barely get the word out before my testicles are twisted four times over, your heel pressing into them. I honestly don’t even really know how to say it, and you’re no help with that either. You act like it’s not a hard word to grasp.

But this isn’t about something being wrong with us, this is just about us changing the word. What about “paleontologist?” I certainly can’t see myself yelling that out during love-making at any time, and yet it still flows from the tongue. It certainly isn’t a sexy word, but neither is “otorhinolaryngologist” (a laborious Google search taught me that it’s an ear, nose, and throat doctor, which is NOT a very sexy doctor). If we were going to go with types of doctors, “proctologist” would have even been more appropriate, if not a little too on-the-nose with our type of sexual humiliation.

For the future, even, “Stop! You’re seriously ripping my asshole! Please! You are ruining me!” should be an acceptable safe word in the grand scheme of things. Just assume that I’m not exaggerating if I’m saying that. I know it’s against the whole nature of it all, but there should be some leniency with the safe word too. Like last night I was obviously trying to say it. Why else would I be yelling out something that sounded like “otorhinolaryngologist?” You just kept staring, wagging your finger at me while tearing me up inside. I thought that was kind of bullshit.

I hope you don’t get mad about this, because I want you to feel trusted, plus I really can’t bear having to endure another anal fissure simply because I couldn’t pronounce an unpronounceable word. (I was pronouncing it right, by the way. I looked it up. You’ve been pronouncing it wrong.) At this point, any extra aggression on my man-pussy (your term) will most certainly require a hospital visit.

With love,
Your husband

P.S. I’m picking up Zankou Chicken after work so be hungry! :)


The Higgs Weldon is a humor website with funny stories, articles, cartoons, and one liners. It was started by the Los Angeles stand-up comedy community, but takes submissions from everybody. Please read and enjoy our jokes!


facebookfooter twitterfooter tumblrfooter rssfooter

Sign up for our monthly email list!