Last night I had finished a long, hard day at the office and was looking to do something fun with my friends. Around six I got a text from my friend Kurt, asking if I would like to see a comedy show. Well, I love to laugh, so I texted him back, “I love to laugh,” and off we went.
The comedy show started off really fun. The first couple of comics were funny too. The first guy was really funny. He did a lot of dating jokes, and I liked that because I’ve been on dates. The comic after him was some lady. She was also great.
But then the night took a turn when they brought out this other guy, Doug Villanueva: World’s Most Giant Comedian. This guy comes out and he can barely fit in the room. He was probably nine feet tall and he looked like he was at least seven hundred pounds. He held the stand because his hands were too big for the mic, and he sat on a low, wide bench because if he stood he would’ve had to hunch over. It was weird.
We’ve been laughing all night so we’re ready for him to be funny, but Doug Villanueva starts talking and it’s like a total curve ball: he just isn’t funny. The other comics had jokes right away and we loved those, but this Doug Villanueva guy takes forever! He just keeps droning on and on about how he’s really saddened by how because of commercial-something we’re morally bank-something. Like some people were laughing I guess, but Kurt and I definitely were not.
So then Kurt, trying to help him be funny, yells out “Hey! Talk about how fucking big you are!” like in a nice way. Good note, right? Well this Doug Villanueva just ignores him. I know this guy isn’t the World’s Most Deaf Comedian. But he’s still not being funny, so I tell Kurt to be louder. Kurt, even louder and more helpfully, yells, “Talk about how big you are you huge fucker!” And what does Doug Villanueva do? Does he take this advice? No. He just says (in this voice that’s like, I don’t know… a low, mournful warning from the bottom of a well?), “Please, I’m more than just a giant person.”
Not funny! Kurt is just quiet after that because like how do you respond to something so unfunny? Anyway, so we just sit there and people are laughing but I start to think they’re laughing at us. We were just trying to help, so it’s unfair that people are laughing at us, especially when this Doug guy isn’t even funny. He’s just sitting there all enormous. Kurt looks at me and says we should leave and I agree, but right before we do, I decide I’m gonna give him one more chance to be funny. You know when you see stand-up and something weird happens and the comedian uses it? Well I thought I would help Doug out. I turn the strobe flashlight on my phone and then play a recording of a bunch of gunshots, like just for something random to riff off of. But instead of just playing off of it, this Doug Villanueva guy stops what he’s doing and covers the front row with his giant body like there are actual gunshots! Then this dumb girl who’d been just being quiet except for laughing starts having epileptic seizures and freaking everyone out!
Does Doug use it to make comedy? No. He grabs my phone and crushes it in his giant hand and then he holds down the drama-queen until she stops seizing and calls the ambulance. Of course Kurt and I start laughing just because of how unfunny and random this show has gotten.
But instead of being happy we were finally laughing, guess what the World’s Most Giant Comedian does? He yells at us! Then he asks whose idea it was to turn the phone on and play the gunshot sounds. But because I don’t like attention or drama, I just say it was Kurt. He’s more “look at me.” So Doug asks Kurt, “What were you thinking?” but it just sounds like, “Tuba tuba tuba,” because his voice is so low. Anyway Kurt just rolls with it and says, “I was thinking that lady’s freak out was the funniest thing all night.” Then Kurt starts doing like a seizure thing to make fun of that lady’s freak out and it’s super funny. He’s just rolling around with his tongue out and pointing at her.
And here’s where for sure Doug Villanueva: World’s Most Giant Comedian crosses the line: he grabbed Kurt’s body in one arm and his head in his opposite hand and just twisted Kurt’s head clean off.
I was like, excuse me?
Does that even seem like appropriate behavior for a comedian? Would Chelsea Handler just twist someone’s head off with her bare hands? And of course, there’s just like blood everywhere and people are in shock and like, Kurt doesn’t even have a head, you know? So like one girl is crying and then the ambulance shows up and at first they go to the girl who had the seizures and then they notice all the blood and the headless guy. They say, ‘What happened here?’ but just as I’m about to tell them, all the audience members and Doug Villanueva tell the EMT that Kurt twisted off his own head in a homicidal rage and Doug saved the day by shielding everyone from Kurt’s violent behavior. It’s like, that’s not what happened!
Anyway, I wanted to get home and go to bed, so I left. But like, how crazy is that? Enormous comics who aren’t funny and then rip guy’s heads off? If that’s what people think is funny then count me out. I think it is completely inappropriate for a comedian to rip off an audience member’s head, and I will never be going to comedy again.
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