sword-2100893_640I swear to God, if Ricky’s ex shows up to this baby shower, I will kill that bitch.  I know what it sounds like: all violent talk, no violent action.  Well that’s where you’re dead wrong – as dead as Alicia Hartup of Priest Lake, Idaho, will be once I’m done with her. 

Of course it wouldn’t happen right away.  First I’ll lull her into a false sense of security by complimenting her flats and acting interested in her Agricultural Science program.  But I swear, if she so much as raises an eyebrow weird, I’ll stab her in the trachea with my vape pen.  If she doesn’t want to see me she should stay away from this Quizno’s, which is both this baby shower’s location and my place of work 20 hours a week.  The other 148 hours I’m busy slashing tires and raiding medicine cabinets.  Got a problem with it?  Just @ me. 

Or don’t.      

Of course I’ve been in a physical fight before.  How else would I have gotten this scar on my forearm?  I did fall through a glass door at Andi’s trailer warming, which is a housewarming but for a trailer.  It was a tough way to learn that jungle juice made in a tub and Oxycodone don’t mix.  But this scar is from a totally different incident where I cut a bitch’s face.  With a knife, you idiot.  I cut a bitch’s face with a knife and I’ll cut yours too if you keep asking questions.  

This Alicia chick has some dumb hobbies.  Beekeeping?  What kind of Evergreen State alumna-type broad who grew up on a farm would keep bees?  You’ve got to be a former Girl Scout who took animal husbandry classes as a child, that’s who.  How do I know all that about her?  Google, you dumbfuck.  It’s the world’s leading search engine. 

Why don’t you Google Google?

Of course I know how to physically defend myself.  One summer at the lake house, this chick Madelyn made fun of my nipples – said they looked like salami slices.  Everyone sitting around the bonfire had a nice laugh at my expense.  The next day, I fashioned a canoe paddle into a shiv and retaliated while she was sleeping.  My poor craftsmanship meant the shiv never punctured her skin.  I just kind of poked her stomach until she woke up screaming.  That might’ve been a trial run, but this time I’m more serious than the pit at a Dropkick Murphys concert: I will absolutely destroy that bitch!!!  And to be clear, the lake house was actually a condemned building we squatted in and filled with aquatic sports equipment.

…Oh shit, she’s here?  Well I’ve gotta go pick up some scratch tickets.  Saving up for a Slip ’N Slide because Ricky and I were banned from Water Country for public indecency.  Tell Alicia I say “hi” and grab some turkey sub for me!



The Higgs Weldon is a humor website with funny stories, articles, cartoons, and one liners. It was started by the Los Angeles stand-up comedy community, but takes submissions from everybody. Please read and enjoy our jokes! 


facebookfooter twitterfooter tumblrfooter rssfooter

Sign up for our monthly email list!