FOR SALE: Used ’94 Ford Taurus. Has just around 321,000 miles on it. Don’t be scared off by the mileage; if anything, it’s a tribute to the car’s inexplicable fortitude. This is a vehicle with character, people. They just don’t make ‘em like this anymore.

Well maintained. (Our step dad changed the oil himself whenever he got suspicious that we hadn’t done it during that calendar year.)

Has seen many, many winters and at least one snow bank.

Automatic transmission, but the gearshift started slipping recently, so it’s always a neat surprise to find out what gear you’re actually in when you think you’re in “drive.” (Tip: Most often, that gear is “reverse,” so always make sure there’s nothing behind you ever.) If you are the kind of driver who enjoys a challenge, look no further, as “park” is the one gear we can almost never seem to catch. Comes with a working emergency brake and four bricks, which you will absolutely need to place behind each wheel when parking on an incline.

Has four doors.

The battery dies about every other week; everyone says the alternator is bad, but we have found buying used batteries from the junk yard periodically to be a satisfactory solution.

Cancel your gym membership! The power steering fluid has been leaking for quite a while. Three to five parallel parks a week should tone your arm muscles up nicely.

Keys no longer work in either door, so don’t forget to leave it unlocked at all times or you’ll use up all your AAA lockout service calls within a month, just like I did in November of 2004. You might be nervous about that, but no one has ever stolen it from us, not even all those times we left the keys in full view on the driver’s seat with all the windows down.

A/C compatible.

Exhaust pipe is currently a coffee can secured with rubber bands; it works fine, especially if you crave attention, which you’ll get plenty of when you roll through your parents’ quiet suburban neighborhood at 3 a.m. sounding like you’re dragging a refrigerator behind you.

We swore we’d drive this car “into the ground” and we really followed through, because the entire bottom fell off last week.

Needs a new car bottom.

This car is perfect for someone who cares about neither the appearance nor the reliability of her transportation. Sold “as is.” Asking $300 or B/O. Will entertain offers of shitty beer and/or Dave Matthews Band tickets.

 

 

The Higgs Weldon is a humor website with funny stories, articles, cartoons, and one liners. It was started by the Los Angeles stand-up comedy community, but takes submissions from everybody. Please read and enjoy our jokes!


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