If You Thought My First Self-Help Book Had Effective Habits, Get A Load of This Shit
By
January 21, 2015

When I wrote my first self-help book, The 7 Habits of Highly, Highly Effective People, I never dreamed it would bring me the kind of success that it has: fame, fortune, and the wisdom that can only be obtained through being a professional wisdom-giver.

People say to me, “when did you know you wanted to be an author?” I say to them, “I don’t think of myself as an author. I think of myself as a word-giver.” Then, on the spot, I’ll give them a brand new word that’s just for them. Valsaab. That’s a new word, and it means “potential.” I can tell that you are very full of valsaab, although not as valsaabic as you could be.

Look, I’ll be honest with you: before all this success, I was just a kid with a business degree and an Ivy League education with no idea what to do. Well, I worked hard and after a few months I landed a job at my father’s publishing company. And I worked hard for weeks until right around the time of my father’s death, when I inherited a publishing company. That’s when I realized: “I’ve got it! I’m going to write a book about how people can achieve success in life.”

As I outlined in my first book, success is simple:

1. Eat healthy.
2. Think healthy.
3. Be healthy.
4. Be nice to people, even when you don’t want anything.
5. Be extra nice when you do want something.
6. Never be late.
7. Always be great.

There is no number 8, but if there were, it would be “inherit your father’s publishing company and publish a self-help book.”

Now, those were the 7 habits, but now that I’ve seen real success — not book-writing success, but celebrity, billionaire-level sucess — I’ve decided to make some additions to that list. I’ve turned it into a new book, Even More Habits: The New 7 (for a Total of 14) Habits of Highly, Highly, Highly Effective People.

Here are some excerpts:

1. Insider Trading

If there’s one new habit you could develop today that would improve your chances of success, it would have to be insider trading. You really must get into this. Trading, by itself, is either very risky or very slow, and the truly successful align themselves with neither of those qualities. Insider trading is like having a history book from the future, except you don’t have to do any reading.

2. Have Money By Any Means Necessary

In the book, I underline “any” three times to emphasize its importance. There are plenty of great ways to make money. I tell you some of those ways in the book, but there are some ways I keep to myself, and I ain’t telling no matter what. The important habit is to have money — lots of it, all the time — no matter how it comes to be.

3. Donate

You’ve heard “you need to spend money to make money,” and there’s some truth to that. Donating, while good for the soul, can also be a major factor in shaping situations to your benefit. For example, I am a frequent donor to a good number of anti-charities, which, for the unfamiliar, are groups that go around and reverse all of the work that regular charities do. Say there’s a charity that goes around cleaning up parks; an anti-charity would return the next day and destroy that park. If having a disgusting park benefits your interests, like perhaps your profitable park-cleaning service, then you’ve just increased your value tenfold. Plus you get all of your donation money back later, which is like a win-cherry on top of a win-sundae in a diner that you won in a raffle.

4. Network With Success

When you acquire notable, powerful friends like I have, you never apologize for dropping names, you just say “you’re welcome.” Surrounding yourself with success means surrounding yourself with opportunities, and the ability to grow opportunities exponentially by using your association with their influence as your own influence. These days, I’m seeing more opportunities than ever because my new friends are the Koch Brothers (only together, never separately) and Johnny Football, the inventor of football. You’re welcome.

5. Cocaine

Some people think drug usage is tied to poor values and low morality. Look, if you think there’s a God, then go ahead and save your success for the next world. If you want to accomplish things in this life, you need fuel and there is no better fuel than the ol’ magic dream powder (MDP). As with any of these habits, though, it takes skill to learn your tolerances and balances, not to mention acquiring enough consistently and at fair rates. Plus, it is, technically, illegal. Which leads me to my next habit:

6. Declare Yourself Autonomous From All Laws and Governments.

This is a “next level” habit to get into, but that’s why only 1% of the world’s population can achieve true success. It’s not for everyone; only those with the most valsaab will even understand what I’m talking about. When the very successful John Lennon sang, “imagine no countries, or laws, or punishments for actions that were necessary to ensure power,” this is what he was referring to. Bottom line: I only answer to me, and let me tell you: the phone is always ringing. “Hello, who is it?” It’s success.

7. [Buy the Book]

Hey, I’m not going to give away all this content for free. The 7th new habit is the most important, and the most effective. It really ties everything together into a coherent, easy-to-understand, easier-to-implement series of clear action items, but in order to obtain that, you’re going to need to buy the book. There’s no chicanery here, I’m just being fair. It’s available for normal book prices in expected book-buying locations, but if you think I’m just going to give that away for free, think again. But in the spirit of word-giving, I offer this for consideration:

kidnaptheroyalbabyandransom.

 

The Higgs Weldon is an online humor magazine with funny articles, cartoons, and one liners. It was founded in the Los Angeles stand-up comedy community, but takes submissions from everybody. Please read and enjoy our jokes!


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