If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my friends
Some people are blessed with a large social circle. I am not one of them: I have one friend, who is very large. It is my Kraken, Bernice. Should we date, you must ‘get with’ my Kraken on an emotional level, or the spark will fade between us and I will eventually un-match you on Tinder after a long, minimally-engaging back-and-forth.
Make it last forever, friendship never ends!
The deep-sea Kraken has a lifespan of 2500 years — Bernice will not only outlive me, her sea-bound vengeance will haunt your ancestors for generations on every drunken college beach weekend and Disney-themed family cruise. This is one more reason why if we should date, you have no choice but to also befriend my Kraken.
If you wanna be my lover, you have got to give
Bernice must be offered one full whale (sperm or blue whale preferred) every month or dire consequences ensue, including but not limited to: giant whirlpools, the destruction of the British Navy, and Bernice telling me she thinks you’re ‘just not right for me’ in our shared tongue. Should you not be able to provide a whale for Bernice, you may substitute 7 or more humans. These are conditions upon which we can continue to engage in a romantic relationship.
Taking is too easy, but that’s the way it is.
Yes, the privilege of spending time with both Bernice and myself comes at a cost (see above).
If you want my future forget my past,
My Kraken and I are bound together by dark magick as punishment for misdeeds — Bernice for the death of sailors to satiate her ravenous hunger, me for disappointing my parents by choosing a career in the arts, and both of us for collectively vaping just a little bit. Nonetheless, I ask of you to forget these details and embrace our pallid, wet flesh.
If you wanna get with me better make it fast,
Hurry! This decision must be made posthaste. The Kraken is one of the most feared of all sea-beasts, and I am also very important and have a lot going on.
Now don’t go wasting my precious time,
Get your act together we could be just fine
Do not make the mistake of thinking that you are the only person in my life: Bernice is equally valued. We have a very full social calendar involving just the two of us, and therefore I am physically available only Saturday evenings after 10:30PM, and emotionally available only when Bernice is driven to the depths by a rousing volley from starboard artillery. For reference, these two events sync approximately every 4 months.
I’ll tell you what I want, what I really really want,
So tell me what you want, what you really really want,
Communication is an important part of any relationship. This is why I have decided to tell you about Bernice now, instead of waiting until we are in the throes of passion and find an excitable Kraken engulfing the front of my apartment building, hoping to share stories from her trip to Ibiza (it was great, she loved it). What I hope to gain — for all our sakes — is a strong friendship between my potential life partner and my #1 Kraken.
I wanna, I wanna, I wanna, I wanna, I wanna really really really wanna zigazig ha.
This is the call of the Kraken, which you may used to befriend Bernice. Feel free to ‘zigazig ha’ as many times as necessary to prevent bodily consumption.
The Higgs Weldon is a humor website with funny stories, articles, cartoons, and one liners. It was started by the Los Angeles stand-up comedy community, but takes submissions from everybody. Please read and enjoy our jokes!