Sarah, I’ll pay the bill this time.

No really Sarah, it’s fine. Didn’t you pay for our meal last week?

Sarah, you’re one of my closest friends. Please let me take this one. For old time’s sake.

Honestly Sarah, shut the fuck up. I’m paying for this luncheon and there’s nothing you can do about it.

No Sarah, we aren’t splitting this thing down the middle. You ordered a side caesar. I ordered an entire roast suckling pig plus all of the garnishes plus a warm apple crisp plus four bottles of Grey Goose. How would that be fair?

Sarah, if you put your credit card on this table, I’m going to pick it up, leave the restaurant, and spend it on thousands of dollars worth of auto parts and medical supplies.

Oh Sarah, I’m not sure if they’ll accept your American Express card… especially after I rub it all over my butt.

Sarah, if you don’t stop, I’m going to pick your son Tommy up from school one day and I’m just going to drop him off at a gas station. One of the ones a few counties over. I’m just going to leave him there. Tommy’s six years old. What the fuck is he going to do?

Sarah, it doesn’t matter who paid for the last meal. I’m already $250,000 in debt to you from that time I lost my life savings in a cock fight.

Sarah, if we leave this restaurant and I haven’t paid for this meal, I’m going to drive my SUV straight through a wall into your living room. I’m going to take out a match and I’m going to light the whole place up. The police will determine it’s a case of arson, but by that time, I’ll be long gone, enjoying my new life as a food vendor in the streets of Marrakech.

Excuse me! Waiter, waiter! I think this order is wrong. I asked for a fifth bottle of Grey Goose, not a massive, skirt-wearing pile of shit named Sarah.

Sarah, if you ask to pay for this meal one more time, I’m going to punch you in the face. My fist will collide with your head and there will be serious damage. You’ll black out. I’ll remove this tablecloth, wrap you in it, drive to the nearest estuary, and throw you in. I’ll seduce your husband and legally adopt your kids. I’ll teach them that hoarding is good and taking advantage of the weak is the only way to get through life. They’ll love me dearly — even Tommy, and he’s balling his eyes out at a gas station right now.

Sarah, are you sure? Okay, fine. But I’m paying for the next one!



The Higgs Weldon is a humor website with funny stories, articles, cartoons, and one liners. It was started by the Los Angeles stand-up comedy community, but takes submissions from everybody. Please read and enjoy our jokes!