I’m Pleased to Announce That We’re Promoting Jeff to Drug Elephant
October 27, 2016

1477179352_elephantFROM: Sean Barnhart
TO: [All Totally Legal Imports LLC]
SUBJECT: I’m pleased to announce that we’re promoting Jeff to Drug Elephant.

Anyone who’s had the privilege to work with Jeff Hellberg knows the kid works his butt off. So, I’m sure it’ll come as no surprise that the hardest working Drug Mule around is now taking the leap to Drug Elephant.

If there’s one thing that Totally Legal Imports LLC values, it’s guts. Jeff’s got ‘em, plain and simple. The kid’s got a colon like a flatbed. He’ s the human carry-on: Undersized, overstuffed and handled by every stewardess on the continent…But seriously, when your back’ s against the wand there’ s no other guy you want with you. He’ s true blue.

A lot of guys in this business get hung up on titles, But not Jeff. Jeff’s been a donkey, a camel and a mule, but never a rat. The guy knows how to keep his mouth…and anus sealed. That’ s not to say he hasn’t been up against his fair share of pressure or had 2.3 kilos of it pressing against his vital organs. He’ s calm. He’ s cool. He’ s collected. But, above it all he’s personable. There aren’t many guys I’ve met that can hold a real conversation with a customs agent, let alone with 20 latex balloons bunched up in their small intestine. In a business that sometimes only values a good digestive tract, it’ s inspiring to see that you can have a good heart too.

When I first hired Jeff out of business school, I thought he was just another MBA with a sense of entitlement. I never thought in a million years he’d make it a year, and here we are today. He’s practically moved mountains: Across oceans, through ill-ventilated underground tunnels and the occasional town car trunk. He’ll be taking on a lot more responsibility in his new role, but there’ s no doubt in my mind that he can handle the load. 



The Higgs Weldon is a humor website with funny stories, articles, cartoons, and one liners. It was started by the Los Angeles stand-up comedy community, but takes submissions from everybody. Please read and enjoy our jokes! 


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