Zach Pugh is a comedian and writer living in Los Angeles. Since graduating from Oxford in just 3 school terms, he has written 47 books ranging from crime thrillers to psychology textbooks. He has developed a serum to allow him to stay young forever, which means he will outlive all of his (currently) 16 children. This inevitability keeps him awake every night and prevents him from ever truly being happy… He’s currently working on book #48, a collection of poems entitled 187 On A Muthafuckin Cop.

Re: Workplace Conduct

Dear employees,

It has become clear to me in the last few weeks that many of you seem to have no real understanding of the policies in our workplace. After a long series of occurrences, I feel it necessary to refresh you all on the rules. I realize that you are not completely at fault, as it is my job as manager to give clear and concise direction. And I thought I was doing that, but you have all proven in your own way how poor a job I’m doing. So let me outline the major guidelines to workplace conduct:

RULE #1 – No sleeping/lying down

Frankly, I can’t believe I have to say this: It’s not acceptable to sleep during your shift. Just last week I found Kevin sleeping in the freezer. He had been in there for over an hour. You can sleep when you get home or when you’re dead. Not on company time.

RULE #2 – Respect the customer

Again, I shouldn’t have to say this but you should not be treating the customer with disdain. There are families coming in here. Yesterday a woman came up to me and showed me a piece of paper that had been baked inside of her pizza crust. Do you know what it said? “F**k You.” Now, none of you have claimed responsibility, claiming that the crust “came like that.” I know it was you Ricky, and the second you slip up I’m going to bring hell down upon you.

RULE #3 – No workplace romances

This isn’t so much a rule forbidding you to become romantically entangled with a coworker, but rather to forbid displaying that romance at work. Again, there are families here. You can’t be feeling each other up on the Skee-Ball lanes (I’m talking about you, Dave and Lisa). Other places where it is unacceptable to make physical romantic contact:

o   By the dumpster
o   In a booth
o   Behind the cash register
o   In my office
o   In my car

And my car is the most concerning. I thought we were done with this, but then just a couple days ago I found a used condom on my dashboard. And don’t try to tell me another group of homeless people had an orgy in my car. That can only happen to the same car so many times.

Some of you may be wondering what affection is acceptable. Just remember the bases as defined by me:

1st base = hand holding
2nd base = cheek kissing
3rd base = leg touching
4th base = a single digit in your partner’s rump.

Remember our motto: ASO: “Always Strike Out.”

So keep all of this in mind going forward, folks. I can be a cool guy, but your actions are making me a hard-butt. So be cool and let’s make this the best Chuck-E-Cheese in the entire Northeast region!


The Higgs Weldon is a humor website with funny stories, articles, cartoons, and one liners. It was started by the Los Angeles stand-up comedy community, but takes submissions from everybody. Please enjoy our jokes!

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