First and foremost, I wish to express my deepest gratitude for the opportunity to work alongside President Donald J. Trump. Being a part of his administration has been, though hectic at times, a supreme honor and an experience I will never forget. However, recent behavior demonstrated by the president and members of his cabinet has prompted me to reconsider my role in this White House.
I thereby offer my resignation as President Trump’s Tickle Monster, effective immediately.
I worked closely with Mr. Trump during his term’s most trying times. When Attorney General Jeff Sessions recused himself from the Russia investigation, I quelled the President’s volatile rage by slowly drawing the alphabet with a goose feather on his face. After the media criticized his unorthodox speech to the Boy Scouts, I worked around the clock teasing his piggies in the precise manner the commander-in-chief likes. When Congress failed a second time to pass healthcare legislation, I had to blow the most intense raspberry of my career into POTUS’s big boy belly before he finally agreed to come downstairs and attend his meeting with the Israeli Prime Minister.
With every blubbering smile and ecstatic convulsion I provoked, I reminded myself that it wasn’t just the First Tumtum I was serving but, in fact, the tumtums of all American citizens; that it was this great nation’s collective breath I routinely took away using an arsenal of modified cat toys and fuzzy, oversized mittens. And I believed it, for a while.
I do not take this decision lightly. Serving at the President’s pleasure, and manually causing prolonged fits of it, have been indescribably rewarding. It’s hard to imagine attacking the armpits of a more distinguished individual than the leader of the free world. And I’m certain I’ll never work in an office as historically significant as the one Mike Pence was ordered to share with me. But my conscience grew overburdened by Mr. Trump’s inflammatory rhetoric, and I now seek to dissociate myself from the President, his xenophobic inner circle, and his adorably sensitive love handles.
I would love to continue working in the West Wing, but I know deep down it’s my time to go. I’m confident Mr. Trump will find another Tickle Monster equally dedicated to reducing him to a giggly, squirmy mess each time a head of state or prominent Republican questions his competency. To that individual I say good luck and godspeed. You have your work cut out for you.
Coochie coo, Mr. President. Coochie, coochie coo.
The Higgs Weldon is a humor website with funny stories, articles, cartoons, and one liners. It was started by the Los Angeles stand-up comedy community, but takes submissions from everybody. Please read and enjoy our jokes!