Let us take a moment to applaud McDonald’s for its truly daring step towards the future. Their new uniforms have drawn comparisons to The Empire from Star Wars among other industrious movers and shakers from history. Major shifts are the lifeblood of an organization, and for McDonald’s to understand this shows a commitment to progress. Thus, the American Service Society for Fast Casual Eaters (ASSFCE) is proud to not only endorse this move, but to make a few uniform suggestions of our own for our other esteemed members to take into careful consideration.

Starbucks – The Human Coffee Shop

Starbucks is a destination for people who want to connect. We’ve run the numbers. And what better way to do that than to do away with the whole notion of a store? Now it’s just people. We highly suggest our new uniform design. This wraparound coffee bar literally wraps around the torso, making every Starbucks employee her own individual Starbucks. Everything, from the coffee maker to the other miscellaneous nonsense you evidently need to make coffee these days, will be available within arm’s reach.

Chipotle – Giant Visors

We think one of the biggest obstacles customers face when coming into Chipotle is the glass between them and their food. So, we were thinking, why not just do away with that? So that’s gone. But we still want to protect our employees from deadly viruses and snot. Each team member will be outfitted with a giant plastic visor that stretches far beyond their nose, so as to avoid coming into contact with the weird variety of diseases customers undoubtedly waltz in to your establishments with. Customer sneezes on your employee? No worries; this massive three foot wide visor will prevent any of it from getting on your body. Just remember that any contaminants that end up on food should be promptly mixed in to avoid raising concerns with customers.

Wendy’s – Resplendent Anime Outfits

Apparently Wendy’s is popular with “the anime crowd.” Had to have my assistant explain this one to me. At any rate, we’ll want to capitalize on this. We’re thinking majestically plumed regalia for the women, and massive, gel-thickened hairstyles for the men. We’ll have to put a stay on hiring bald men, but this seems a small sacrifice to make. 

Chick Fil A – No More Cows

Not sure how we missed this one. Must have been a clerical error in the beginning, but Chick-Fil-A does not serve any beef products. Would have thought the name would have been enough to clue you guys in on that. So, we’re going to try and move forward on chicken marketing. Employees currently dressed as giant cows will need to be fired and replaced with employees dressed as giant chickens. Any live cows used for marketing purposes and on retainer will need to be taken off.

Arby’s – Polo and Slacks

We’re thinking a deeper red?


The Higgs Weldon is a humor website with funny stories, articles, cartoons, and one liners. It was started by the Los Angeles stand-up comedy community, but takes submissions from everybody. Please read and enjoy our jokes!