I am writing to inform you of some exciting changes being implemented by the university, in our push to reduce campus sexual assault rates.
The university cares deeply about the health and wellbeing of our students. We were therefore shocked and horrified to discover in 2012’s mandatory independent report that 25% of our female students claimed to have experienced sexual assault while studying here.
We are therefore extremely proud to announce the steps we have taken to reduce this statistic; as of November 2017, all females are hereby prohibited from consuming alcohol while enrolled as either an undergraduate or postgraduate.
I do not need to remind you that students under the age of 21 should not be consuming alcohol anyway. However, from now on, any female student of any age caught consuming, or under the influence of, alcohol, will be immediately barred from the university. We believe this step will reduce the so-called “rape culture” some have unreasonably associated with the university.
As you may recall, last year, a local charity attempted to hold consent workshops on campus. We made the decision to cancel these, as they clashed with the big varsity game (go Eagles!). We have decided not to reschedule any workshops, as our analysis of student-reported sexual assault has indicated that the biggest cause is female alcohol consumption. Consent workshops would therefore be a waste of time and money.
We are, however, certain that our new measures will reduce occurrence of supposed sexual assault effective immediately.
In many cases, accusers admitted to having consumed alcohol prior to the alleged event. It is likely that in many more cases, accusers were under the influence of alcohol, but too ashamed to admit it. Prohibiting consumption will allow female students to be in control of their own actions at all times, thereby resolving the problem.
Needless to say, the ban also applies to any drugs that impair clarity of thought through drowsiness. These include antidepressants, antianxiety medication, and antihistamines, which impede females’ ability to fight someone off when in the library, cafeteria, or just walking around campus. For a full list of banned substances, please check the university website.
In addition, female students are prohibited from consuming anything at parties. By drinking soda or eating chips, females expose themselves to being drugged, thereby putting themselves at greater risk of being “grabbed,” “fondled” or “forced into certain acts.” If you see a female eating or drinking at a party, please report her to the university immediately – such behavior creates an unsafe environment.
Of course, we have taken into consideration the LGBTQ+ student community. We have decided to extend the ban to all members of this community, in order to deal with ambiguities regarding labels. As a vulnerable group, they too have a responsibility to protect themselves against supposed perpetrators.
Overall, we believe these measures will lead to a safe-space atmosphere within the student body.
The purpose of university is to prepare students for the real world. By teaching female students to take responsibility for their own actions, we will be giving them the skills necessary to lead safe and happy lives.
I wish you a pleasant and SAFE rest of the semester.
Dr Sean Williams
The Higgs Weldon is a humor website with funny stories, articles, cartoons, and one liners. It was started by the Los Angeles stand-up comedy community, but takes submissions from everybody. Please read and enjoy our jokes!