24 HOURS OUT: Ew. You’re not going to a sex party. You barely go to parties, much less parties where they pass out anal beads like mini hot dogs.
22 HOURS OUT: Out of sight. Out of mind. Not thinking about the sex party. You’re not some depraved sex machine that can keep his cool in a sweaty room filled with raw, tender flesh. No way. You don’t even keep the lights on when you masturbate. Nope. No, that’s gross.
19 HOURS OUT: Even if you don’t go, it’s pretty cool to think you, Harris Mayersohn, got invited to a sex party! Look at you now! When people think group sex with strangers they don’t necessarily not think of you and that’s pretty great. You should Google the socially acceptable way to turn down a sex party invite. Don’t want to prevent yourself from any future invites.
16 HOURS OUT: Okay, how can you say no to a sex party invite? It’s like being summoned for jury duty: you don’t have to sit trial, but you have show up for the selection process. You’ll probably get weeded out anyway, once you explain you don’t feel comfortable doing anything beyond gentle caressing. You’re just going to say you went.
14 HOURS OUT: Oh boy, this is going to be uncomfortable. Alright, if you ever need to break a weird silence just turn to the person next to you and say, “The password is ‘fidelio.’” Who would suspect the guy making Eyes Wide Shut references has never been to an unhinged sex party?
11 HOURS OUT: How many layers can you wear and not stand out at a sex party? What if you tell people that you’re a sweater fetishist and can only reach completion while wearing a parka? It’d be pretty cool to see boobs.
9 HOURS OUT: Holy shit, you’re going to learn so much cool stuff about doing it at this sex party.
6 HOURS OUT: You should tell Greg and Henry about this sex party! They’re going to want to hear all the weird details.
5 HOURS OUT: You should tell everyone you went to summer camp with that you got invited to a sex party! They’ll finally think you’re cool!
4 HOURS OUT: You should tell your parents about this sex party! They’ll be so proud that you finally came out of your shell!
2 HOURS OUT: Honestly, it’s probably rude not to have sex at a sex party! How do you even approach someone to do it? “Hey, you wanna do it?” “Hey, wanna get out of here – here being our clothes because we’re already at a sex party.” Maybe you should make the fidelio joke to someone. Yeah, you gotta do that.
1 HOUR OUT: You. Are. Going. To. Fuck. Like. A. Wild. Horse. You. Sexual. Beast.
5 MINUTES AFTER: You’re so lucky that sex party got cancelled. Ew. Who would even consider going to something as gross as a sex party.
The Higgs Weldon is a humor website with funny stories, articles, cartoons, and one liners. It was started by the Los Angeles stand-up comedy community, but takes submissions from everybody. Please read and enjoy our jokes!