Zach Pugh is a comedian and writer living in Los Angeles. Since graduating from Oxford in just 3 school terms, he has written 47 books ranging from crime thrillers to psychology textbooks. He has developed a serum to allow him to stay young forever, which means he will outlive all of his (currently) 16 children. This inevitability keeps him awake every night and prevents him from ever truly being happy… He’s currently working on book #48, a collection of poems entitled 187 On A Muthafuckin Cop.

My youngest brother is starting his senior year of high school basketball and my mother asked me to come up with a message to put in the program for him. After writing a few options down, I realized that what I had to say was pretty universally inspiring. It doesn’t matter if you’re my 17-year-old brother or 52-year-old President Barack Obama, this knowledge is here to help anyone! I hope you can take to heart some of these lessons and get yourself motivated to start living life!

Basketball is 10% ability and 90% looking cool.

Your girlfriend is cheating on you with Jared. Everyone else in school knows except you. Idiot.

Pick(some dank nugs)-and-roll(a fat joint)

When your time comes you have to be ready, whether it be a last second shot or the chance to hook up with Vicky Sacramento (Which I did. SWISH!)

Remember that in the grand scheme of things, this is just a game and it doesn’t matter. But also remember that if you choke, you’ll probably spend the next decade trying to get over it.

Your opponent is not your friend. I don’t care if you and Derrick grew up together–he’s on the other team and he’s a dick.

Your grandparents aren’t going to be around much longer. Don’t speed up the process with poor fundamentals.

If you need some inspiration while waiting in the locker room, think about all the great locker room memories, like when you beat East High or when I fingered Vicky Sacramento.

Michael Jordan. Kobe Bryant. LeBron James. All great basketball players. All black guys. It’s time to face reality.

Sportsmanship should be reserved for fake sports like golf and hockey.

If it doesn’t work out, take solace in the fact that we’ll all be dead soon enough (and also the fact that Vicky and I definitely went to second base).



The Higgs Weldon is a humor website with funny stories, articles, cartoons, and one liners. It was started by the Los Angeles stand-up comedy community, but takes submissions from everybody. Please read and enjoy our jokes!

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