Introducing: The McDonald’s 2017 Green Initiative
By
July 24, 2017

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As one of the most influential companies in the world, we at McDonald’s are always going to battle in the war of public opinion. We’ve always tried to do the right thing because, well, it’s the right thing! Once in awhile, though, our PR team makes us share what we’re working on to make the world a better place.

So in short, if you ever said McDonald’s doesn’t care about the environment, listen up!

In an effort to offset our global carbon footprint, McDonald’s and our CEO Steve Easterbrook are introducing a bold, corporate-wide green initiative ensuring the company will bury one cow heart in the rainforest for every 100,000 burgers sold.

That’s right! We’ve decided to lead by example. Your move, Arby’s. We can’t hide our super-sized excitement for this green initiative spreading cow hearts all across the world!

Considering that our popular “casual eating” chain sells an estimated 300 billion burgers a year, you best believe there will be a whole lot more cow hearts buried beneath the soils of our precious rainforests. It’s this kind of large-scale green initiative that reminds us all of our responsibility to leave this planet as we found it. No act of conservation – be it turning off a faucet while brushing your teeth or burying the lifeless heart of a slaughtered animal in a tropical jungle – is too small, and we at McDonald’s know it.

In our CEO’s own words, “When I took over as CEO of McDonald’s in 2015, the first thing I wanted to do was rectify our public image as an unsustainable, emissions-producing corporation. Once I realized how many dead cow hearts we were accumulating in our animal reeducation centers, putting this initiative in motion felt like an obvious decision. It’s my greatest accomplishment as CEO thus far.”

In seemingly no time at all, McDonald’s has already made significant contributions to rainforest ecosystems, having planted over 1 million cow hearts in various, unmarked locations across the Amazon jungle. We plan to expand their bovine heart planting operation to the rainforests of the Congo and South Pacific by 2018.

Sure, we’re just one, multinational, billion-dollar chain, but imagine if every food chain across the world followed in our footsteps and started burying the hearts of dead animals in nature! Sometimes all it takes is one-simple, well-implemented conservation plan to start a powerful trend that could save our planet and reduce our overwhelming amount of dead cow waste. We hope McDonald’s starts yet another revolution, like Woodstock or memes.

We hope when others look at what McDonald’s is trying to do, they realize it’s time to stop acting helpless and start taking action. All it takes is one dead cow, a sharp object and a shovel to bury a cow heart in your own community and start giving back to Mother Earth.

 
 
 

The Higgs Weldon is a humor website with funny stories, articles, cartoons, and one liners. It was started by the Los Angeles stand-up comedy community, but takes submissions from everybody. Please read and enjoy our jokes! 


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