To whom it may concern,
Hey dude. I mean sir. I assume it’s sir, but apologies if this is presumptuous. I guess I should have just stuck with dude. Anyways, I have a few United Airlines jokes I’d like to submit for your consideration. I don’t think it’s too late for that, do you? Maybe it won’t matter once you see them.
But before we get to the jokes, I think I need to qualify why they’re late. I was actually on that United flight. No, I was not forcibly removed, though I was secretly hoping I might be. It would have made these jokes a lot better. Not that they’re bad! Please, don’t think that. At any rate, I didn’t have time to submit when the topic was hot. You don’t know how stomping mad this made me. You can ask the flight attendant. I don’t remember her name, but if I ever do, you can ask her.
I said to her: “Ma’am, I need to get off this plane immediately and then return with the guarantee that my seat will still be here.” Except I didn’t say ma’am, because that would really take the punch out of it. Instead, I said her aforementioned forgotten name and she replied with: “Why?”
Actually, I think she may have just said no, but I took it to mean “why” and ran with it. Because justice needed a justification. I told her that I needed to write my jokes about the current situation, and that if I didn’t get them in now, I would never be able to get them in. And they were so goddamn good, it would be a shame if I missed this opportunity. You won’t believe what happened next. She walked away from me! Oh-ho-ho, that was the wrong motherfucking move.
So I’m sitting there, thinking about what a shitty situation this is, and how utterly unfathomable it is that this fucking sky waitress won’t let me, a writer(!), exit the plane for enough time to submit my hot topic, trendy jokes. You may be wondering why I couldn’t just do it from my seat. Well, I’ve got an exceptionally good reason for that too. It’s so good it’s going to blow your fucking mind. You’re going to be like “Holy shit, a fucking thing like that.”
I actually got to the airport later than expected. The traffic between my hotel and the airport was just awful. Also, I had to catch the last thirty minutes of the Entourage movie on HBO, because how the fuck are you not going to finish that? Okay, so I get to the airport late and realize that I left my laptop in the hotel room. I was in such a rush to get out of there once the credits of Entourage wrapped up, that I just left it sitting on my desk. I panic and I call the front desk to make sure they send it to my home address, and they’re like “yeah, that’s fine”
But now you see why I couldn’t submit my jokes. I didn’t have a laptop with me. And I can’t write from my phone, because the creativity just doesn’t flow right when I do it that way. I need to feel like I’m sitting at a tiny little futuristic typewriter. The sound of the keys clicking does something for the juices.
Anyways, I needed to get off the plane so that I could borrow someone’s laptop. No one on my flight was going to let me borrow theirs. Which, now that I think about it, I suppose I should qualify as well. So, ok, this is embarrassing: when I got on the plane earlier (before we knew the impending situation), I was still a little frazzled by the hotel-laptop-traffic experience and I may have got in a fight with a woman over whether I was in the right seat. It was an honest mistake! The B on my ticket was faded and I thought it was an E. Everyone started checking her ticket and they were like “Dude, that’s her seat, just get up and move several seats over.” But I was taught never to roll over for bullies, so I held my ground. Admittedly, probably longer than I should have. I eventually moved, because I was also taught to be the bigger man.
But that’s why I couldn’t write from the plane, and that’s why I wanted to get off and borrow a laptop from someone that wasn’t holding a grudge against me. And the flight attendant is the reason I couldn’t get off the plane to do so, and her denial is the reason my jokes are so late. Whew, that feels good to get off my chest. I’m sorry for cursing so much, but I get really heated about my jokes.
One more thing: I don’t really have them fully formed yet, but the bare bones are there. I can send them over in less than a week. Is that okay? Really hope to hear back from you and I just want to let you know I love the site.
The Higgs Weldon is a humor website with funny stories, articles, cartoons, and one liners. It was started by the Los Angeles stand-up comedy community, but takes submissions from everybody. Please read and enjoy our jokes!