I’ve been thinking recently about the lag between when someone insults me and when I come up with a satisfying comeback. After getting thrown some serious (and uncalled for?) shade from the new guy at work this week, I decided to map out the healing process. (If you notice some crossover with the Kübler-Ross stages of grief, it’s because getting insulted is a huge bummer.)
So your coworker just blindsided you with an insult. Welcome to Corporate America, baby. Naturally, your low self-esteem makes it so that you instantly respond with something polite and innocuous that makes it clear to the perpetrator that you deserved the insult.
Wait. Take a step back from the situation. Go back to your desk. Did that just happen? Better text a play-by-play to at least three people to be sure.
This is the fun step! Stew in rage indefinitely.
This one is optional, but highly recommended. If you cross paths with the offender, be sure to give them the cold shoulder.
The perfect comeback is not easy to come by, and that’s why this is our last step. It might take you as long as a year to reach this point. That’s fine. One day you’ll be sitting there thinking about the insult, staring blankly past your monitor and the perfect combination of words will come to you. “Eat me, Todd.” Obviously, you’re not insane and seven months have passed, so you’re not going to do anything with this comeback, but it helps to have it. You can now move on. Todd doesn’t even work with you anymore. He hasn’t for months.
The Higgs Weldon is a humor website with funny stories, articles, cartoons, and one liners. It was started by the Los Angeles stand-up comedy community, but takes submissions from everybody. Please read and enjoy our jokes!