Hey local (and possibly federal) law enforcement! If you’re reading this, you’ve started searching my home for evidence of my current whereabouts. Sorry the place is such a mess–I hardly had time to clean up before going on the run to evade capture for my heinous crimes–LOL! Luckily for you, part of the twisted pleasure I derive from my actions includes a desire to be caught! Neat, huh?

If you can track down every item on this list, it should lead you right to me!

-A nosy neighbor whose many calls you ignored

-A high school yearbook with seemingly random pictures circled

-The standard issue Boy Scouts waterproof matchbox that started it all

-My worn out VHS copy of Reign of Fire (Get it?! LOL!)

-At least three manifestos

-One of my many masks

-The firefighter costume I bought as an ironic joke just for me

-A former middle school classmate of mine with third degree burns on their head/face (I left you plenty to choose from! LOL!)

-A business card from the tattoo artist who did the phoenix that covers my entire torso

-Gasoline (Obvi! LOL!)

-A crude diorama of My Final Act

-A map of all the orphanages in the tri-state area (Oooh what am I planning?! LOL!)

-A fire extinguisher (You’ll need it! LOL!)

-Something blue

Good luck! And if I catch you cheating, you’ll be sorry! Because you’ll be burned alive! LOL!


The Higgs Weldon is a humor website with funny stories, articles, cartoons, and one liners. It was started by the Los Angeles stand-up comedy community, but takes submissions from everybody. Please read and enjoy our jokes!


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