Look, this isn’t easy for either of us. Obviously I cherish our fifteen years of friendship, and all that that’s entailed. The weekend in the Adirondacks with your step-Mom and real-Dad. Your twenty-first in Frisco. And, of course, our middle school ska band, The Disciples of Kyle. But after many months of mental back-and-forths, I’ve decided this union has to come to an end.
It’s not you, it’s your content.
Sure, my content numbers might be at 1,273 followers and 312 likes per post (and those numbers are only rising), but I’m not a numbers king or queen. I cannot bear to see someone with such talent not hit their potential – content wise.
Growing up I would’ve sworn you were destined to make jaw dropping, inspiring content. Content that would be on staff pick pages, meme pages, and even some celebrity pages. Teachers always singled you out for your homework content and even some of your collage art content. When you won the “Most Likely To Make Groundbreaking Content” superlative in high school, I was proud.
As a recent college graduate, your content has changed. It’s become overwrought and self-indulgent. Compositionally, your depth of field is shallower than an Ohio State fraternity brother at homecoming. Your recent post of the dilapidated train tracks was blurry and the caption was inscrutable. What does “After all, everything is just as good as anything #art #knowledge #livelife” even mean?
You use filters incongruously (Gingham on a picture of the ocean…really?). You post selfies during funerals. You apply vignettes as liberally as a mother slathering SPF 70 onto her pasty child. And worst of all, you’re tagging me in some of these posts. I’ve had two separate bosses check in on me after reviewing content I’ve been tagged in. In their words, “Your content is not just a reflection of you, it’s a reflection of the company. It’s a reflection of all of us.”
If you were to simply retire your handle @larrycheesecake, then I would not be writing this. If you were simply apathetic about your content, then we wouldn’t be here. But @larrycheesecake, you won’t retire and you do care. And you fail, time and time again.
On our last day of high school, we made a pact. To always strive for the best content imaginable, and call each other out if we thought the other was #slacking. And, I’m afraid, this is me conducting the inevitable.
For it is our content that we will be tested and judged upon. Any human can be a righteous, selfless person. But only those with vision can select the perfect filter with an equally perfect, inspiring hashtag. And I’m afraid this is a vision you do not possess #sorrynotsorry.
Goodbye, old friend. It pains me to say you will not be seeing a like or a “Solid pic!” comment from @hoppinator32 on your next black-and-white forlorn selfie.
The Higgs Weldon is a humor website with funny stories, articles, cartoons, and one liners. It was started by the Los Angeles stand-up comedy community, but takes submissions from everybody. Please read and enjoy our jokes!