You may not realize it but you’ve seen me. I’ve been shot, stabbed, hit by a car, and heck, one time I was even blown up while I ate a churro. I’m a crisis actor and I take my work seriously. I know that people look down on what I do. But this is my job and I’m good at it. Or at least I like to think I am. I’m not a member of the “deep state,” and if you check my bank account you’ll see that I hardly belong to the 1%. I’m just a normal guy who pretends to be a victim of mass shootings in order for the government to strip away the rights of normal citizens.

As an in demand crisis actor who’s appeared in a some of the most viral “news” footage of the last few years, it’s insulting to hear that people believe the victims of the Parkland, Florida mass shooting are actors, let alone thespians who are being paid for their work. Trust me, if these kids were acting you would feel it. The sad truth of the matter is, the students in Parkland just weren’t meant for the stage.

When I first got into acting I had lofty ideals of becoming the next Harry Dean Stanton or Timothy Hutton. I wanted to be a great utility actor who could fit in anywhere even if regular audiences didn’t know my name. I guess in a way I’ve fulfilled that dream. I don’t have a pool or anything, but pretending to be shot by a lone gunman wielding a semi-automatic rifle that’s been modified with a bump stock so liberals in the House and Senate can introduce fear-mongering bills to erode the second amendment is its own reward. Still, it would be nice to have a pool.

As an artist I know it’s not healthy to focus on press, good or bad, but I can’t stop reading about how the victims of the mass shooting in Parkland are such skilled actors. Take this tweet from someone named “Patriot Zeitgeist” with a bunch of American flag emojis after their name: “Wow. David Hogg puts on a riveting performance. His dad is FBI. Can’t wait to see where he turns up next. #MAGA.” You can see how that’s frustrating right? I studied at Tisch. I took out four years of student loans and worked two bartending jobs, and for what? For some philistine on the internet to confuse a genuine tragedy where 17 people were murdered and 14 others were injured with my art?

America has failed its children. Students can’t walk into a classroom without wondering if it’s the last place they’ll ever see. The deep well of misery felt by the parents and loved ones of the victims in the seemingly infinite number of mass shootings in this country can only be paralleled by the ennui crushing my fellow crisis actors as we sit idly, waiting for a false flag operation that may never come.



The Higgs Weldon is an online humor magazine with funny articles, cartoons, and one liners. It was founded in the Los Angeles stand-up comedy community, but takes submissions from everybody. Please read and enjoy our jokes!