Job Hunting
By
August 24, 2017

***

Job Applicant peruses job posting online.

10:15 AM

Prodigious Company is the country’s premier … blah blah blah …   …   … blek …   …   …      …     For more information, please …   … www.prodigiouscompany.com. Prodigious Company is looking     …      …      individual with strong organization     …      …    passion in technology to join …      …

Reporting to the Manager, Dead End Department, the Office Coordinator supports …  providing … … …  capacity … … …

What does the incumbent need to succeed?

Minimum 2 years of coordination experience in a large matrixed environment

JOB APPLICANT ANALYSIS: Let’s see, I spent six months and one week working at Clothes for Old People requiring a Thousand Pockets where I earned zero commission because that hater Belinda always ensured I was folding, stocking or cleaning. Six months and one week is close to a year, which is almost like two years, so experience – check. Note to self: Watch The Matrix again.

10:17 AM

Schedule appointments, meetings, conferences; coordinate department calendar; make travel arrangements

JAA: Department calendar? I hope it’s not like the chalkboard at camp where I spent an hour everyday writing team members activities because someone voted me Elder. What the heck? Elder?? All I did was update that bloody board and fetch firewood.

Monitor phone and screen calls, take messages, direct calls as appropriate

JAA: Whoa, Manager with a CEO complex. It’s Brenda all over again. [Shouting At Screen] You’re not the Manager, Brenda. You’re just a Salesperson like the rest of us. And you lied about all those diets that didn’t work for you for “years”. I saw the M&M and KitKat wrappers in the garbage after every break you took. Ev-ry-day. I know, ok? [JA makes huffing sound at screen and the world at large]

10:22 AM

Respond to emails in a timely manner. Draft memos and reports

JAA: Check and check. Response time for emails: Under 2 Ninja-like minutes. [Phone Buzzes] Oop, responding in a timely manner. 

11:19 AM

Track invoices and expense claims, including credit card statements; track budget expenses and reconcile with finance team quarterly

JAA: My head started hurting. I’ll have to wing this one.

Maintain strict confidentiality in all matters

JAA: Dude gots a girlfriend in the office. Or he’s embezzling from Accounts Receivable. Whoa, I know finance and stuff. 

Excellent verbal and written communication skills are a must

JAA: Excellent And Polished! Checkit my British accent – My mo-bile is in the gare – ahge. Fancy some Horlicks? Wait – did that asshat, Jorge like my SnapChat yet?

12:11 PM

Proven ability to prioritize workload and multi-task

JAA: Multi-task? Are you kidding? I’m job hunting and hate-reading MSN right now.

Enthusiastic team player unafraid to take initiative, positive and helpful attitude when dealing with others

JAA: Right. I’m no one’s bee-yatch, Fool. 

Bilingualism is an asset

JAA: Bawn – jou. Com sawah!

12:12 PM

Please send your resume and cover letter in a pdf file to resumes@prodigiouscompany.ca with Office Coordinator specified in the subject line. Applications are due …      …      … No calls …   We thank…

JAA: [Cover Letter Template Download Complete Ping sound] [Keyboard Clacking sound] [Email Sent Whooshing sound]

12:15 PM

JOB APPLICANT: Phew. Lunchtime. [Phone Rings] Hi Ma. Yes, I was job hunting all morning. I found the perfect posting …

***

10 Days Later

2:00 PM [Phone Rings]

JOB APPLICANT: I got the job, Ma. The manager said I’d be an excellent fit in his team.

***

 

 
 

The Higgs Weldon is a humor website with funny stories, articles, cartoons, and one liners. It was started by the Los Angeles stand-up comedy community, but takes submissions from everybody. Please read and enjoy our jokes!


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