Job Applicant peruses job posting online.
Prodigious Company is the country’s premier … blah blah blah … … … blek … … … … For more information, please … … www.prodigiouscompany.com. Prodigious Company is looking … … individual with strong organization … … passion in technology to join … …
Reporting to the Manager, Dead End Department, the Office Coordinator supports … providing … … … capacity … … …
What does the incumbent need to succeed?
Minimum 2 years of coordination experience in a large matrixed environment
JOB APPLICANT ANALYSIS: Let’s see, I spent six months and one week working at Clothes for Old People requiring a Thousand Pockets where I earned zero commission because that hater Belinda always ensured I was folding, stocking or cleaning. Six months and one week is close to a year, which is almost like two years, so experience – check. Note to self: Watch The Matrix again.
Schedule appointments, meetings, conferences; coordinate department calendar; make travel arrangements
JAA: Department calendar? I hope it’s not like the chalkboard at camp where I spent an hour everyday writing team members activities because someone voted me Elder. What the heck? Elder?? All I did was update that bloody board and fetch firewood.
Monitor phone and screen calls, take messages, direct calls as appropriate
JAA: Whoa, Manager with a CEO complex. It’s Brenda all over again. [Shouting At Screen] You’re not the Manager, Brenda. You’re just a Salesperson like the rest of us. And you lied about all those diets that didn’t work for you for “years”. I saw the M&M and KitKat wrappers in the garbage after every break you took. Ev-ry-day. I know, ok? [JA makes huffing sound at screen and the world at large]
Respond to emails in a timely manner. Draft memos and reports
JAA: Check and check. Response time for emails: Under 2 Ninja-like minutes. [Phone Buzzes] Oop, responding in a timely manner.
Track invoices and expense claims, including credit card statements; track budget expenses and reconcile with finance team quarterly
JAA: My head started hurting. I’ll have to wing this one.
Maintain strict confidentiality in all matters
JAA: Dude gots a girlfriend in the office. Or he’s embezzling from Accounts Receivable. Whoa, I know finance and stuff.
Excellent verbal and written communication skills are a must
JAA: Excellent And Polished! Checkit my British accent – My mo-bile is in the gare – ahge. Fancy some Horlicks? Wait – did that asshat, Jorge like my SnapChat yet?
Proven ability to prioritize workload and multi-task
JAA: Multi-task? Are you kidding? I’m job hunting and hate-reading MSN right now.
Enthusiastic team player unafraid to take initiative, positive and helpful attitude when dealing with others
JAA: Right. I’m no one’s bee-yatch, Fool.
Bilingualism is an asset
JAA: Bawn – jou. Com sawah!
Please send your resume and cover letter in a pdf file to email@example.com with Office Coordinator specified in the subject line. Applications are due … … … No calls … We thank…
JAA: [Cover Letter Template Download Complete Ping sound] [Keyboard Clacking sound] [Email Sent Whooshing sound]
JOB APPLICANT: Phew. Lunchtime. [Phone Rings] Hi Ma. Yes, I was job hunting all morning. I found the perfect posting …
10 Days Later
2:00 PM [Phone Rings]
JOB APPLICANT: I got the job, Ma. The manager said I’d be an excellent fit in his team.
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