As of 2018, The Higgs Weldon has been up and running for 5 years. To celebrate, we are re-publishing some of our favorite pieces from over the years for the entire month of January. This article was originally published on April 19, 2016.
Writing jokes is always hard. Writing jokes for children is even harder! I have written for SEVERAL Scholastic joke books and I ALWAYS get the same responses. “Vince, we love these jokes, but come on, we’re not babies anymore! Give us some jokes about contemporary issues! Give us some dark jokes! Hit us with realness! Challenge our thinking. Art should leave you different from when it found you!” I’m never one to disappoint an audience, so I wrote some pretty serious jokes for children. And a few fun ones.
I love kid jokes. Children definitely think way differently than adults do. Clearly these jokes are not for children. Well, some are. It’s up to you to decide which to retell. I took some classics, revisited them, and gave them a new punchline for the children of today. Some of these are completely new! With more realistic punchlines. Here they are:
Why did the boy throw a clock out the window?
He wanted attention. He hasn’t been getting any since his parents divorce. Talk to your kids.
Where do you send a crazy squirrel?
To a place where he can get proper mental support. Names can alienate.
What do you call a kid with no arms and no legs?
What makes a sad song?
What do you call two teenagers in love?
Why was the plane nervous for his first day of school?
He didn’t look fly!
Why did the elephant quit his job?
He was working for peanuts! No, like literal peanuts. It was pretty fucked up. He had like 4 kids. There was a huge strike. He called a lawyer, but every single one he called said, “We don’t represent pachyderms.” A lotta discrimination with his case. If you feel you aren’t being paid fair wages contact the department of labor. Or visit http://www.dol.gov.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
She really just needed to get her mind off of things. She regrets moving to a big city. She wants to move back to her small town in Barrington, Massachusetts. But, she knows everybody will be like, “ I told you so.”
Why was 6 afraid of 7?
7 is a level 8 sex offender. And he just moved into a family town.
What do you call someone who doesn’t respond to your texts?
(Insert name of your crush)
The Bank who?
Enough games. You’re overdue on your payments. We’re foreclosing on your house.
*funny crying sounds to emphasize punchline*
These jokes are great for children’s parties and great transitions into explaining the daily unfairness life brings. Use them wisely. Use them and credit me. I need validation.
The Higgs Weldon is a humor website with funny stories, articles, cartoons, and one liners. It was started by the Los Angeles stand-up comedy community, but takes submissions from everybody. Please read and enjoy our jokes!