I’ve been super busy since my last few writings. I know part two of this 10-part series has been highly anticipated, but I’ve been touring all across America. I’ve been making appearances at scholastic book fairs, science fairs, just about anywhere they can take established talent. So, please forgive me. I know how hard it is for people to appeal to children, but not for me! So easy! My jokes are regularly re-told by the dopest kids in school, and the coolest substitutes on campus. There’s an entire school out in the Midwest that has made my work required reading material. I don’t even have to compete. And look, there have been a string of comedians that have “written” books and material intended for children. People like Jay Leno, Jerry Seinfield, and Jeff Foxworthy have all written children’s books and children’s jokes. But they all suck, and so do their books. My stuff reigns supreme over all of them because I am not afraid to give kids what they want. Someone give me a dang Newbery Award. Here is my highly anticipated return to the world of children’s humor.


Why was the gorilla denied a loan from the bank?
They didn’t want any monkey business! And he had terrible credit.

How did the werewolf get into a car accident?
He didn’t see the vampire in his rear view mirror.

How did the pizza get murdered?
He got sliced up.

Why did the two grizzlies get divorced?
Their relationship was unbearable! Also, the husband got caught cheating one too many times, and his wife knew she deserved better.

What’s the most popular animal in the sea?
The Starfish.

Y did variable X kill himself?
He felt isolated (1,2) many times.  (I hate this one the most)

What do animals call the zoo?

Why did the compass ask for advice?
His life needed direction.

Why did the monster drop out of college?
He was too ghoul for school! And due to prejudice. The faculty and staff weren’t very accommodating to his basic needs. They thought monsters were scum and frequently dehumanized them. The system failed in every aspect of the word.

How did the priest convince the demon to lose weight?

Okay, just another small sampling! I’ll back in a year to write part 3 to this 10 part series. If you want them sooner, email vincentcaldera96@gmail.com and I will open the vault.



The Higgs Weldon is a humor website with funny stories, articles, cartoons, and one liners. It was started by the Los Angeles stand-up comedy community, but takes submissions from everybody. Please read and enjoy our jokes! 


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