LA is for Loners
By
September 25, 2014

Ah, young love. Sounds nice, right? Well I wouldn’t know, and neither would you. You and me, we’re young and single and miserable, and we live in glamorous Los Angeles, California. But that’s no reason we can’t try to have fun! LA is just about the least romantic city on earth, except for maybe like Detroit, or Kinshasa. Or somewhere in Siberia maybe. Which is good news for us, because that means it’s the perfect city to roll yourself off the couch and go out and do something alone! So here, my “friend,” are some things to do all by your self that will hopefully make you forget for one blissful moment your crushing loneliness and psychic pain. Enjoy!

1. Treat yourself to a nice meal! There’s no reason you can’t celebrate yourself, by yourself! Make reservations for one at a restaurant you’ve been wanting to try for a while, and dine distraction-free. Not having conversation or any human contact at all can really free you up to savor your meal. If you’re shy about being seen alone, try going out for lunch, when hot restaurants are less busy. Also, you can repeatedly tell the waiter that you’re waiting for a friend, and spend the whole hour staring angrily at your watch and sighing. And hey, at least ordering at a restaurant means you’ve talked to another person today!

2. Hit the beach! What could be more LA than the beach? Santa Monica has wide stretches of white sand where you can lay out a blanket and try to tune out the happy laughter of children, and the flirtatious banter of young lovers. Let the warm sun melt away your troubles, as you slowly and quietly cry yourself into a nap. And if you’re looking for untamed nature, head to Malibu, where you can sit on the rocks and stare out to sea as you contemplate just giving up and moving back in with your parents.

3. Go to the library! Books have always been your refuge. Books were there for you when you were growing up, when bullies pretended they were going to let you play handball but then they actually just kicked your rollie backpack over and laughed. Books were there when your high school boyfriend told you he’d known he was gay the whole time, but was just dating a woman for his grandma’s sake. Lose yourself in literature. Go ahead. Forget for a little while. And bonus! Most libraries have DVDs now, for even more efficient escapism.

4. Go for a hike! Remember, exercise produces endorphins, nature’s happy drug! Runyon Canyon is a real treat, and has trails for all levels of physical fitness. It’s especially nice early in the morning on a weekday, when the only people out there are elderly widows and hot girls with big dogs whose glistening obliques will remind you why you’re basically unlovable. Also, there are some waterfalls out in Pasadena or maybe Eagle Rock that someone told me about. Out there you can be even more isolated, and spend the entire hike trying not to check Twitter and wondering how long you would lie undiscovered if you fell to the rocks below.

Well reader, what are you waiting for?!? Get out there in the beautiful LA weather and enjoy being single! After all, you never know where you’ll finally meet that special someone. Realistically, though? With your track record of chasing unavailable or unsuitable people, and driving away the ones who really care, it’s probably not going to happen for you until you do some serious work on yourself. Be better, reader. Be better.

 

The Higgs Weldon is a humor website with funny articles, cartoons, and one liners. It was started by the Los Angeles stand-up comedy community, but takes submissions from everybody. Please read and enjoy our jokes!


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