I don’t know if indecisive people pick La-Z- Boy Recliners or La-Z-Boys make indecisive people. All I know is that I am a decisive person and I don’t sit in, like or approve of La-Z-Boys. I like to read. To do this I either a) sit in a straight back winged chair or b) lay down on a bed and read on my side. I have guts. I pick one. I occasionally like to watch TV. I either a) sit upright on the couch or b) lay down on the couch and watch TV while lying on my side. My wife reads in the La-Z-Boy and my daughter watches TV in the lazy boy. They can’t decide if they want to sit or lay. They can’t make up their minds. They exist in some semi-prone, semi-upright, semi-conscious position. They then have lost their ability to put their feet on the floor or lift their feet up by themselves to lie on a bed or couch. I think that Woodrow Wilson and Jimmy Carter sat in la-Z-Boys. They have to adjust the footrest of their chair, which raises their feet to some odd 32-degree angle while their back is at a 68%-degree angle going in the opposite direction as they watch or read. I think that the indecision comes from the fact that in their inverted combination Z or S position, human blood cannot circulate. It must be this process which inhibits oxygen flow to the head and extremities that causes the indecision. When one sits in a good Republican upright, American redneck winged back chair, the circulatory system works in its normal way. The blood leaves the heart and travels straight down to the butt area. It picks up speed as it flows. This is the same principle as the water coming down from a water tower. With that head of steam built up, when it hits the butt area it quickly makes the 90 degrees turn and shoots out to the knee. As it gets towards the knee, it’s rate of flow does decrease a bit, but then it gets to the knee area and heads over the knee cap waterfall area where the cascade effect provides the force necessary so that the blood, when it hits the foot area, can rush out to each of the toes. All parts of the body south of the heart now are full of the red stuff and superoxygenated. One must note that when sitting in the upright position that half of the blood that shoots down from the heart to the butt bounces back up past the chest all the way up to the brain. When one is fully reclined as on a couch or on a bed in a 100% prone position, the blood just gently flows back and forth like the current on a lake. All parts covered at all times, fully oxygenated. In both of the above-mentioned scenarios, the body and the brain have the blood and oxygen necessary to make decisions at all times.

But, if you are in one of those fancy, newfangled liberal leaning La-Z- Boys, this just isn’t going to happen. You are stretched out from here to there and then from there to who knows wherever. How can the blood figure out what to do? Your back is at a 28-degree angle so the blood, when it leaves the heart, barely flows to the hips. It does not pick up the pressure necessary for the trip out to the knee which now is not a straight shot but back up hill about 31 degrees. If by any chance some of the blood can make it to the knee and over the knee area waterfall, the calves are sticking almost straight out so it doesn’t pick up enough steam to carry blood to the feet and toes which are now completely perpendicular. So little blood can make this trip that most of the body is left with poor oxygenation. Blood trying to leave the heart for the brain will find that there is no longer enough force or bounce to get much blood up to the brain, therefore no oxygenation.

It must be this process inhibiting oxygen flow to the head and extremities which causes the indecision in life. Therefore, I can conclude that the La-Z-Boy chair is responsible for the decline in SAT scores, the loss of jobs to overseas markets and the election of what’ his name.




The Higgs Weldon is a humor website with funny stories, articles, cartoons, and one liners. It was started by the Los Angeles stand-up comedy community, but takes submissions from everybody. Please read and enjoy our jokes!


facebookfooter twitterfooter tumblrfooter rssfooter

Sign up for our monthly email list!