I’ve got to tell you buddy, Laurie and Greg Myers will never be proud of you. I know that’s probably hard to hear; they’re parents, they should be proud of you and support you no matter what. But pal, the thing is, they’re not your parents. They moved in next to your parents two years ago. Their son is a year and a half old, and yes, I know you walk better than him. You hardly ever fall down, but they have to be proud of him, he’s their baby and plus, he’s just a beginner, be easy on him. Just keep in mind, the rivalry between you two is one sided. Baby Tony has no desire to defeat you in the battle for Pearl and Larry’s affections, those are all yours kiddo; they gave birth to you.

It would also be remiss of me to not address the fact that you’re 34 years old and live in you parents’ refurbished basement. Just because you got fired from your frozen yogurt delivery job for eating all the yogurt instead of delivering it doesn’t mean you never try to get a job again. I’m not sure they’d be that proud of you anyways even if you were their kid, man. In fact, you couldn’t be, they’re seven and five years younger, than you, respectively. The baby might even be better at eating solids than you. At least he tries new things; your diet consists mainly of pudding cups. The Myers are nice people, which is why even they’ll admit that your drawing skills are more technically advanced than their child’s scribbles when you press them, but to be honest, I think that your pictures of nearly naked anime girls make them a little uncomfortable. I’m not saying that you need to stop wanting them to see you as their shining star, but maybe try a little bit harder, also, that is what I’m saying. Stop doing that, it’s weird. Your own parents thought that they would be able to use the redone basement as a guest room.

Keeping all that in mind, Laurie and Greg watched your slideshow on why Obama is a lizard person that you sent them and said that they “liked your clip art choices.”


The Higgs Weldon is a humor website with funny stories, articles, cartoons, and one liners. It was started by the Los Angeles stand-up comedy community, but takes submissions from everybody. Please enjoy our jokes!


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