My two favorite things about Christmas are 1) booze being served warm and 2) the music! But did you know that artists besides Michael Bublé have released Christmas albums? Here’s my guide to some of my favorite obscure holiday records:

A Jolly Christmas From Frank Sinatra (Drunken Outtakes)
By Frank Sinatra

Many remember Ol’ Blue Eyes’s signature 1957 Christmas record, but few have heard the alcohol-fueled rejected takes! In this four-disc collection, you can listen to the master crooner berate the guy playing the jingle bells for “skullfucking” him harder than his hangover, compare himself to Jesus Christ and spew out disgusting profanities while struggling to pronounce “Adeste Fidelis.” It all culminates when the sound engineer leaves the microphone on during a lunch break and catches Sinatra conceding that hey, at least he doesn’t have to make “a Jew record about candles or some shit.”

Rick James’ White (With Cocaine) Christmas
By Rick James

Few people could lay down consistently funky 80s pop hits like Rick James, and this album is the one exception. It opens strong with a twelve-minute jam version of “Little Drummer Boy” (with the lyrics changed to explore said drummer boy’s budding sexuality) but quickly devolves into unedited audio of James snorting cocaine off of a picture of Bing Crosby.

Merry Fucking XXXma$$ You Pigs
By Tyler and the Durdens

Did you know I was in a band in high school? Well, I was! We spent the early 2000s putting out some pretty hardcore shit, the most hardcore of which was our Christmas-themed EP. In tracks like “Black Death Friday,” “I’ll Stuff YOUR Stocking” and “No Mom I Didn’t Get You Anything You Bitch” we successfully held a mirror up to Christmas and showed everyone just how ugly it really was. Some listeners were turned off by our mix of speed-metal baselines and ska trombone, but I don’t really give a shit what they think, okay Dad?!

The One With The Holiday Armadillo
By Friends

This one isn’t an album per se, but I used to have a VHS tape with the Season 7 Christmas episode of Friends taped on it. The picture was all messed up so I just listened to the audio by myself every Christmas Eve for like four years. Fun memory.

So down your fifth glass of spiked egg nog, throw one of these classics on the family turntable and refuse to let anyone turn down the volume. Merry Christmas!

The Higgs Weldon is an online humor magazine with funny articles, cartoons, and one liners. It was founded in the Los Angeles stand-up comedy community, but takes submissions from everybody. Please read and enjoy our jokes!


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