If you’re reading this, odds are you probably didn’t win the Powerball lottery. Don’t be too sad, losers. Aside from stealing money and winning money, there are still a few ways to acquire quite a lot of money in a short amount of time:

Ask for lots of money. (Same thing as “Lean In?” I’m never 100% clear on what “lean in” means, so maybe!)

The other day I was at work (see my article “Get Rich Slowly-to-Possibly-Never” for more on this idea) when my coworker mentioned having a fruit roll-up in her lunchbox. When she was leaving, my other coworker, having noticed that the fruit roll-up went uneaten, asked if he could have it. She said yes! That could’ve been me eating the fruit roll-up! That could be any of us with Trump’s millions the next time we see him! We just need to ask.

Take it and apologize later.

This tactic might be familiar to anyone with siblings. It basically plays out like borrowing, but whether or not you’ll return what you borrow remains iffy. So in this scenario, you just take a sum of money and then if/when they find out, you go like, “Sorry, I meant to tell you I took $70,000 from your bank account last Tuesday. I hope that’s cool.” (For those without siblings: This is not stealing, because “you meant to give it back later.”)

Confuse the wealthy!

The government has been onto this honeypot for a while through something we’d recognize as the IRS. What I’m suggesting here, however, is just some good old-fashioned confusing. Make those rich people go “huh?” as you remove the hundred dollar bills out of their hands and place them into your wallet. Confusion tactics I’d recommend include: glasses with the swirly-eye lenses, long-chained pocket watch hypnosis, a shell game where you get them to wager all of their money, or an Intro to Scientology seminar.

Marry Rich, or Find a Treasure Chest.

These are both time-old Get Rich schemes. I’ve grouped them together, because we’re all here for the Get Rich QUICK schemes. Depending on your body and your skill set, probably only one of these is going to make you wealthy in a reasonable amount of time. Are you really hot and maybe lacking a soul? Marry for the money!! Are you really good with maps, can grow a beard quickly, have access to a boat, and own one of those khaki vests with lots of pockets? Go find a bunch of buried gold coins!! Use some common sense here, and venture forth into your billions.



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