Lesser Known Members of the Heralded Apple Brown Family and Their Eponymous Desserts
By
October 5, 2017

October 5 is National Apple Brown Betty Day 

Apple Brown Betty – Mix apples with crunchy crumbles made from flour, cinnamon and brown sugar and then cook it.

Apple Brown Barack – Drizzle some sliced apples with deep, rich, smooth, dark caramel topped with chopped Hawaiian macadamia nuts. Serve with robust Kenyan coffee and deep, rich, smooth milk chocolate ganache. Eat for eight years; then covet for the rest of your life.  

Apple Brown Britney – Puree apples and mix with cheap vodka. Pour the mixture in the Starbucks Frappucino cup on the floor of your SUV in which your two children sit unattended. Guzzle.  

Apple Brown Breitbart – Take an apple and blanche it so that it is just as white as can be. Top with white creamy sauce and white whipped cream and white marshmallows and devour it angrily.

Apple Brown Belushi – Slice apple and then put it on top of cheeburger [sic] and serve with cheeps [sic] and Pepsi (no Coke!)  

Apple Brown Bezos – Go to Whole Foods and buy an organic apple, an organic emu egg, $94 white alba truffles, some asparagus water, a swordfish and kale ice cream.  Eat the apple.  

Apple Brown Biden – Eat an apple and then eat ice cream. Remove Ray Bans and wink and point at someone in a way that is somehow both sexy and paternal and not at all creepy. Repeat.  

Apple Brown Beckett – Dispense with the conventional methods of picking an apple and the unities of time and place to focus on the essential components of the human condition. Develop a bleak outlook on human existence.  

Apple Brown Baio – Take an apple and shove it up your ass.

Apple Brown Barbara Billingsley – Don a ladylike party dress, apply some tasteful make up, and with your perfectly coiffed hair, baste a roast and ice a cake with apple icing.

Apple Brown Bjork – Fill a bath tub with apples and coconut cream with a pinch of salt and then some seasonings and then cilantro and then you add juicy dollops of pureed beef jerky with Nutella and crispy smidgens of breaded chicken dredged in crème de menthe with deep fried Twinkies with droplets of hot sauce and then you whip it and then you put it between your lip and your gum like chew and let the flavor caress your mouth.

Apple Brown Bobby – Get a pie crust and put it in a pie dish. Then say, “Some men see things as they are and say, why; I dream things that never were and say, why not” as you pour in a whole bunch of sliced apples. Bake.

Apple Brown Bristol – Apples and crunchy fragments of salmon filets in hydrogenated corn oil and served with poached moose. Abstain from fornicating after you eat.

Apple Brown Beyonce –Take an apple and tell your man to peel it for you and while you are waiting for your man to peel your apple drink a glass of lemonade. 

Apple Brown Blitzer – Take an apple into the Situation Room. Gnaw on it purposefully while gazing sternly into the camera. 

Apple Brown Bloomberg – Live in the Big Apple and become the mayor of it. Eat an apple and ban smoking and large sodas.  

Apple Brown Burt Bacharach – Slice some apples and dip them in some smooth silky fondue form the 1970s fondue maker in your parents’ basement. Serve while listening to the timeless hits of Dionne Warwick.

Apple Brown Baldwin Brothers – Take four apples. Which one is the sexiest? The most talented?  Which one is the born again Christian? The one most prone to fits of rage?

Apple Brown Bob Barker – Mix apples with a lifetime supply of Rice a Roni.

Apple Brown Bachmann – Stick an apple on the end of a corn dog on a stick and then deep throat that motherfucker like your life depends on it.

Apple Brown Bill Belichick – Puree apples with the hearts of every National Football League fan who likes any team besides the Patriots. Put in giant Gatorade cooler and feed to team members during crucial games.   

Apple Brown Blagojevich – Elect an apple from your orchard to be the king of all the apples. Sell that apple’s old spot on the apple tree to the highest bidder.  

Apple Brown Byrne – Take the apple’s money and cigarettes. Take the apple to the river. Drop it in the water.

Apple Brown Brockovich – Put two apples in your shirt and then find someone named Ed and when he looks at the apples in your shirt say, “They’re called boobs, Ed,” and then take a drink of uncontaminated drinking water, remove the apples form your shirt and eat them.

Apple Brown Bolton – Put a big wig on an apple and then eat it while listening to such hits as “Love is a Wonderful Thing” and “How Can We Be Lovers If We Can’t Be Friends?” 

Apple Brown Barkley – Take an apple and then toss out the apple in the garbage and then eat a rack of ribs and then a quart of ice cream and then some chicken wings and a box of Lucky Charms or whatever cereal you have on hand and anything else if in your fridge like maybe some leftover lasagna and then go to the Panera at the end of your street and if its closed go to the dumpster outside the Panera and eat everything they threw away.

Apple Brown Bill Buckner – Have someone throw an apple at you and then let it go between your legs.

Apple Brown Bobby Brown – Hollow out an apple and hide a bag of crack cocaine in the apple.   

Apple Brown Bronte – Bake an apple into decadent tarts and a supper of bread and cheese with boiled milk.

Apple Brown Billy Barty – Find the littlest apple in the grocery store and make sure it knows that it is just as delicious as all the other apples.  

Apple Brown Bates – Tie an apple to your favorite author’s ankle and take a sledgehammer and whack it against the apple to make a rich succulent apple sauce that is to die for.

Apple Brown Beavis – Take some apples and put them in a slow cooker with all the junk food you can find. Slow cook for eight hours while you listen to GWAR.

Apple Brown Butthead – Take some apples and put them in a slow cooker with all the junk food you can find. Slow cook for eight hours while you listen to Danzig.

Apple Brown Bruce – Go to Atlantic City and get a candy apple on the boardwalk.

 

 

 
 

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