All right men. You know it, I know it, so let’s stop pretending. The reinforcements we were promised aren’t coming. Just got the final confirmation from central command.
Billy, please don’t cry Billy. I know you’re tired. I know you’re homesick. I know you just want to be able to celebrate Halloween without panic-sweating at the mention of “Nightmare before Christmas”. It seemed so harmless at first, just a weird one-off holiday crossover for awkward emo kids, buoyed by an improbably strong Danny Elfman score. How could we know that that was the beginning of the end?
We were so young then.
I can barely remember that time before this long, cruel war. A time when the world made sense, and people were decent, and Mariah Carey’s “All I Want for Christmas is You” meant something because Susan in Accounting wasn’t playing it on a loop every day from November 1st through to January and sometimes for “Christmas in July”.
MY GOD SUSAN IS NOTHING HOLY ANYMORE?
We’ve lost so much. We were fools to think the Pumpkin Spice lattes could hold back the enemy. Those damn Starbucks holiday cups were fated to be our undoing. From there, it was only a matter of time.
Thanksgiving was the first to fall. Looking back, it seems so obvious that those Black Friday deals were a Trojan horse for the forces of Christmas. A Trojan reindeer, if you will.
God, Billy, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have joked like that. This isn’t a time for ill-advised puns. I know that we lost good men in the Great Wal-Mart Stampede of ‘15. I only laugh to keep from weeping these bitter tears.
For a day might come when people decide to just leave our Christmas lights up into March, when car commercials defile Tchaikovsky’s “Dance of the Sugarplum Fairy” in September, when the only god left in this soulless hellscape is the creepy old fascist in the North Pole who watches children when they’re sleeping.
But that day is not today.
Today, we take our last stand – we may have lost this battle, hell, we may even have lost this war. But I’ll be damned if I go out without a fight. It has been the honor of my life fighting in the War on Christmas with every last one of you brave souls.
Men! Soldiers! Brothers! Follow me! Let’s go and wish those bastards a HAPPY HOLIDAY!!
The Higgs Weldon is a humor website with funny stories, articles, cartoons, and one liners. It was started by the Los Angeles stand-up comedy community, but takes submissions from everybody. Please read and enjoy our jokes!