As of 2018, The Higgs Weldon has been up and running for 5 years. To celebrate, we are re-publishing some of our favorite pieces from over the years for the entire month of January. This article was originally published on January 10, 2014.

Names of men have been changed. Names of dogs have not.

Dear Heidi,

You were my childhood dog and I don’t think I appreciated you enough, because weirdly, I wasn’t that into dogs when I was a kid. Still, I loved you very much and I hope to see you again one day.


Dear Pistachio,

You’re the first dog I’ve owned as an adult, and I truly love you the most of anything in my life. You’re super annoying, but in a cute way, and I miss your doofy face when it’s not around. See you on the couch.

Your mother

Dear Bagel,

I met you at the dog park and could not believe my good fortune in meeting a dog named Bagel. That is SO CUTE.

The lady at the dog park who wouldn’t leave you alone

Dear Larry,

When I met you at the adoption fair, I laughed for easily an hour at your name. I seriously considered adopting you because you had no teeth and you kind of looked like a mouse. I think of you often and hope you are well.

Your almost-mother

Dear Geoffrey,

Hello. How are you? I am fine. Do you still live with that one roommate? That’s cool.


Dear Xavier,

I think you still have one of my bowls?

Send back the bowl,

Dear Jackson,

You drive an unnecessarily large car for reasons that are unclear to me. Please specify the reason(s?)


Dear Montgomery,

Years ago, I bought you a really expensive drink and I’ve regretted it ever since.



The Higgs Weldon is a humor website with funny stories, articles, cartoons, and one liners. It was started by the Los Angeles stand-up comedy community, but takes submissions from everybody. Please read and enjoy our jokes!


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