Zach Pugh is a comedian and writer living in Los Angeles. Since graduating from Oxford in just 3 school terms, he has written 47 books ranging from crime thrillers to psychology textbooks. He has developed a serum to allow him to stay young forever, which means he will outlive all of his (currently) 16 children. This inevitability keeps him awake every night and prevents him from ever truly being happy… He’s currently working on book #48, a collection of poems entitled 187 On A Muthafuckin Cop.

[avatar user=”Zach Pugh” size=”thumbnail” align=”left”]Illustration by Paige Weldon[/avatar]

Welcome to another rousing edition of Life, Love and Other Mysteries with your fearless, unmatched, handsome and brilliant wordsmith Zach Pugh. This week there were a lot of great questions, and it was tough to choose which ones were most important to you, the readers. As many of my readers know, I care very deeply about those who choose to consume my writing, especially those that are female. I’ve slept with over 7 of my female fans, which I believe makes me more of a crowd-pleaser than any writer today! And I’m including debutante John Grisham. Without further ado, here are this week’s questions.

Hi Zach,

A few months ago I installed a brand new garage door at my home. This thing is beautiful. Wood panel white as snow with craftsmanship only matched by your writing. But I found that after only a few days, some of the neighborhood kids had covered it in graffiti. I continue to clean it off, but they just come back and put more of their vulgar language and urban fonts on my garage door! What should I do?!

-Carl, Cleveland

Hey Carl,

Sounds like you’ve got quite the situation on your hands! I’d first suggest that you move out of your neighborhood, as those boys sound like a real rough bunch. I once tested a group of teens in my cul-de-sac, and ended up with a broken marriage and a check from the insurance company for a burnt down house. But I understand that not everyone has my access to endless wealth, so here’s my suggestion: Hire a shaman to post up by your garage. Just look in the yellow pages, there are thousands of shamans in Cleveland. Pay them to stand guard day and night at that garage door (they don’t need to sleep). Eventually, those punks will come back to vandalize your property, only to be met by the shaman who is ready and waiting to place a curse on them. Now, we both know that magic isn’t real, but kids are stupid and have no idea! They’ll be so scared they’ll probably start crying! Or run away from home! So shut down your computer and pick up the phone, Carl! Help is just a quick dial away!

Hola Zach,

Me llamo Juan, te amo su bibliotecas y discoteque. Come se dice la pelicula delmar. Trabajo en el Benihana, y tengo un amour por el tango. Quienes tu bebe? Si?

-Juan, Juarez

Great to hear from a reader outside the US! Thanks for writing in Juan. I haven’t spoken Spanish in years, and to be honest it’s mostly Spanglish© (on DVD/Blu-ray/Digital) but from what I’ve gathered the answer to your question is: !Sí Sí Sí!

Hey Zach,

My wife and I are deciding on what kind of car to buy, but can’t seem to come to an agreement. She wants an SUV, but I want a sports car. How do we decide?!

-Brendan, Sioux Falls

You know, folks, sometimes I get a question so stupid that I have to put it in here to remind everyone of what qualifies as a waste of my fucking time. SUV OR SPORTS CAR?! ARE YOU KIDDING ME BRENDAN?! I HAVE 4 MASTERS DEGREES! I’VE WRITTEN OVER 60 BOOKS! AND YOU COME TO ME WITH YOUR UPPER-MIDDLE CLASS LOW-LEVEL DOMESTIC DISPUTE BULLSHIT!? FUCK YOU BRENDAN! AND THE ANSWER IS A SCION XB! YOU BUY A SCION XB YOU PIECE OF SHIT!

The Higgs Weldon is a humor website with funny articles, cartoons, and one liners. It was started by the Los Angeles stand-up comedy community, but takes submissions from everybody. Please read and enjoy our jokes!

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