Life, Love and Other Mysteries: Sex, Business and ‘Zas
By
October 20, 2014

Zach Pugh

Illustration by Paige Weldon

Hey folks, welcome once again to this month’s edition of Life, Love and Other Mysteries with poet, wordsmith and man typing this sentence, Zach Pugh. A lot of my fans like to tell me that my advice has changed their life, and I tell them, “Of course it has!” While I could spend pages listing the lives I’ve changed, that’s not what we’re here for. Despite how generous and impressive it is. Incredible really…

This weeks questions:

Hey Zach,

Longtime reader, longtime caller of sex lines. My wife and I have been married for over 20 years. People always ask how we keep so much magic alive and the answer is simple: Constant f***ing. I mean a whole lot. But now my wife is asking me to perform acts that I’m not comfortable with. How can I stay comfortable while still seeming open to new things?

-Drayke, Chattanooga

Wow, Drake. This was pretty sultry, even for my taste. But while this is not a sex advice column, it doesn’t mean I’m not an expert in the art form. My fourth wife and I were in a very similar situation. She wanted to do things that I was uncomfortable with as a God-fearing (at the time) man. So to trick her, which is easy to do with wives, I started showing up to the ballpark with a couple of “new plays” if you get my meaning (sex stuff). She was very impressed and aroused at how much of an initiative I was taking to learn about the act. The thing is, I was making all of it up! That’s how good at sex I am. So my best advice would be to purchase my newest, and 79th, book Sex Stuff With Zach. It’s not available in any stores and it’s banned in most territories, but you can find copies in the Chinatown district of Los Angeles, California! Not that I live in such a lower middle class environment! No way! I’m super rich!

Zach,

I fancy myself to a be a bit of a writer, and you’re my hero in that respect. I’d like to learn from you. Any advice for an aspiring “wordsmith” (haha)?

-Jarend, Amarillo

Jarend, that was very great of you to say. Especially the hero part. I really needed that…and deserved it. The secret to writing is actually quite simple to learn. All you need to do is join my writing workshop here in Los Angeles, CA. $399 a session (minimum 10 sessions) and you’ll be an accomplished writer of any genre just like your hero, me. Call now! (please)

Hey Zach,

I know this may be a bit dumb to ask, but what should I get on my pizza?

I’ll tell you what, why don’t you order a pizza with all the toppings to my office and I’ll get back to you with my findings in 3-4 business days.

8254 Bunker Hill Ave. #201
Los Angeles (NOT CHINATOWN), CA 90123

I’m very hungry.

 

The Higgs Weldon is an online humor magazine with funny articles, cartoons, and one liners. It was founded in the Los Angeles stand-up comedy community, but takes submissions from everybody. Please read and enjoy our jokes!


CARTOONS
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