Zach Pugh is a comedian and writer living in Los Angeles. Since graduating from Oxford in just 3 school terms, he has written 47 books ranging from crime thrillers to psychology textbooks. He has developed a serum to allow him to stay young forever, which means he will outlive all of his (currently) 16 children. This inevitability keeps him awake every night and prevents him from ever truly being happy… He’s currently working on book #48, a collection of poems entitled 187 On A Muthafuckin Cop.

Illustration by Paige Weldon
Illustration by Paige Weldon

Hi Zach,

As a man who clearly knows how to talk to women, I was hoping you could help me out. My girlfriend and I have been getting in a lot of fights lately, but I’m pretty much always right. How do I tell her this without making her more upset?

-Brad, Omaha

Hey Brad,

First off, you have a great attitude. The number one thing to remember when arguing with your significant other is that it’s not about winning the fight, but it’s definitely about being right. You have convictions, and if they can’t respect that, kick ‘em to the curb! In fact, why don’t you let me call her and talk to her about this? Just shoot me her number. Also, like, what is she into? Like what interests does she have? I’ll need to know all of these things if I’m going to be able to take her out to dinner and really work on your relationship. And what’s her name? She sounds kinda feisty, like a Stacy or a Tracy. Am I close? Ah, I’m rambling, just put it in the email along with her phone number and, like, top five favorite movies. We’re all going to get through this together, Brad.

Zach, help! My car broke down, so I took it to the auto shop and they said it’s the carburetor and is going to cost me over $2000! Do you know any quick fixes I can do on my own?

-Samantha, Omaha

Hey Samantha,

No worries! While I don’t know a whole lot about cars (my driver takes me everywhere), I am very good at technology and science. According to Wikipedia, a carburetor is…

“…the process of dissolving carbon dioxide in a liquid. The process usually involves carbon dioxide under high pressure. When the pressure is reduced, the carbon dioxide is released from the solution as small bubbles, which causes the solution to become effervescent, or fizzy. An example of carbonation is the dissolving of carbon dioxide in water, resulting in carbonated water.”

So from what I’ve gathered, your best course of action is to kick back, open up a cold one (responsibly of course) and let science do the rest. See, nothing too hard for ol’ man-genius Zach Pugh!

My wife and kids have been begging me for months to get a swimming pool. We can’t afford it at all, but I’m really getting sick of their nagging. What should I do?

-Chet, Omaha

Well, Chet, let me ask you a question. When you see your perfect future, is it in a public pool? Or is it in your own personal, backyard swimming pool? That’s what I thought. I know how wives can get (trust me, I’ve had five of them!), and you DO NOT want them upset. Money is a human construct and essentially meaningless. So I tell you buy that pool as well as a hot tub. This is what you need and what your family needs. Soon, you’ll be the talk of the neighborhood, with everyone wanting to come over and use your pool and hang out with YOU, Chet. Maybe that hot single mom brings her two kids over and they appreciate you way more than your wife ever did. Then you can leave your nagging wife and have a new family with Trish and her two wonderful sons. Then your wife and kids will know they never should have tested you. You are a man. You are a lone wolf. You are the boss. YOU. ARE. GOD.


The Higgs Weldon is a humor website with funny stories, articles, cartoons, and one liners. It was started by the Los Angeles stand-up comedy community, but takes submissions from everybody. Please read and enjoy our jokes!

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