Life, Love and Other Mysteries: HOLLYWOOD
By
November 26, 2014

Zach Pugh

Illustration by Paige Weldon

Welcome back, dreamers. Bob Seger sang, “Hollywood nights / in the Hollywood Hills / it was looking so right / it was giving him chills.” The Seg best sums up this month’s column, which is all about HOLLYWOOD, BABY!

Hi Zach,

I’ve been seeing a lot of books being adapted into films. While this is great, I’ve noticed a real lack of adaptations of books by my favorite author: Zach Pugh! When can we expect one of your great works to be made into a film for the world to enjoy? I think it could win an Oscar!

-Aidan, San Luis Obispo

Hey Aidan,

Great question, great opinions, great observation. As a matter of fact, I’ve been in talks to adapt my books into film dozens of times. When you’ve written as many books as I have (82 and counting!), Hollywood opportunities are bound to come calling. I always told myself I was happy with my life, I didn’t need all that fame and glory. I had my first wife and our two lovely children, what more could a man ask for? Then I got flown to Los Angeles by an hot shot agent, who took me out to a night club called Sexylvania, and six marriages and a horrifying amount of cocaine later I’m happier than I’ve ever been living the Hollywood lifestyle!

As for your question, I’ve been close with a lot of books but I refuse to sacrifice my artistic integrity. A lot of movie studios believe that the sexual encounters in my work are “gratuitous” and “unsettling” and “beyond pornographic.” All I hear coming out of their mouths is a lack of appreciation for real art. Honestly, I’m sick of all the false starts! I deserve a break! Just look at this excerpt from my historical fiction about Napoleon, Neo-poleon:

            Napoleon took black-rectangle-hito his room. He black screen each of their black-rectangle-hi gently. Then he black-rectangle-hiblack-rectangle-hi and black screenblack screen their black-rectangle-hiuntil black-rectangle-hi  emerged from black screenblack-rectangle-hi. He smiled, letting the black screen black screen their  black screen, reminiscent of night in Venice with two black-rectangle-hi whom he black-rectangle-hi with     his black-rectangle-hi before letting them black-rectangle-hi all over his .black screenblack screenblack screenblack screen

[Editor’s note: our legal team advised that we not print the above passage. We compromised on the edited passage you see above. We’re so sorry you had to read even this much.]

Well? What did I tell you? Art at its finest, my friend. Hollywood, I expect your call very soon.

Hi Zach,

Obviously literature is far superior to all other “art forms,” but I was wondering if there were any filmmakers you think are doing great work today?

-Skylar, Winnipeg

Hi Skylar,

I wish I could answer your question better, but unfortunately I don’t take in any other forms of art. Hell, I’ve never even read a book, including my own! I mean, I hear there’s guys making superhero movies, which is something the ignorant masses would be into, I guess. But again, I don’t watch any movies. Except pornography. I watch a lot of pornography. For research.

Zach,

Fuck, Marry, Kill: Brad Pitt, Bradley Cooper, Brad Garrett.

-Stacy, St. Paul

Hi Stacy,

As much as I love playing this game, I’m afraid I can’t. I don’t know who Brad Pitt is. I don’t know who Bradley Cooper is. I think I saw Brad Garrett in a porno once.

[Editor’s note: Brad Garrett, star of Everybody Loves Raymond, has never acted in a pornographic film.]

 

The Higgs Weldon is an online humor magazine with funny articles, cartoons, and one liners. It was founded in the Los Angeles stand-up comedy community, but takes submissions from everybody. Please read and enjoy our jokes!


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