Zach Pugh is a comedian and writer living in Los Angeles. Since graduating from Oxford in just 3 school terms, he has written 47 books ranging from crime thrillers to psychology textbooks. He has developed a serum to allow him to stay young forever, which means he will outlive all of his (currently) 16 children. This inevitability keeps him awake every night and prevents him from ever truly being happy… He’s currently working on book #48, a collection of poems entitled 187 On A Muthafuckin Cop.

[avatar user=”Zach Pugh” size=”thumbnail” align=”left”]Illustration by Paige Weldon[/avatar]

Welcome back, dreamers. Bob Seger sang, “Hollywood nights / in the Hollywood Hills / it was looking so right / it was giving him chills.” The Seg best sums up this month’s column, which is all about HOLLYWOOD, BABY!

Hi Zach,

I’ve been seeing a lot of books being adapted into films. While this is great, I’ve noticed a real lack of adaptations of books by my favorite author: Zach Pugh! When can we expect one of your great works to be made into a film for the world to enjoy? I think it could win an Oscar!

-Aidan, San Luis Obispo

Hey Aidan,

Great question, great opinions, great observation. As a matter of fact, I’ve been in talks to adapt my books into film dozens of times. When you’ve written as many books as I have (82 and counting!), Hollywood opportunities are bound to come calling. I always told myself I was happy with my life, I didn’t need all that fame and glory. I had my first wife and our two lovely children, what more could a man ask for? Then I got flown to Los Angeles by an hot shot agent, who took me out to a night club called Sexylvania, and six marriages and a horrifying amount of cocaine later I’m happier than I’ve ever been living the Hollywood lifestyle!

As for your question, I’ve been close with a lot of books but I refuse to sacrifice my artistic integrity. A lot of movie studios believe that the sexual encounters in my work are “gratuitous” and “unsettling” and “beyond pornographic.” All I hear coming out of their mouths is a lack of appreciation for real art. Honestly, I’m sick of all the false starts! I deserve a break! Just look at this excerpt from my historical fiction about Napoleon, Neo-poleon:

            Napoleon took black-rectangle-hito his room. He black screen each of their black-rectangle-hi gently. Then he black-rectangle-hiblack-rectangle-hi and black screenblack screen their black-rectangle-hiuntil black-rectangle-hi  emerged from black screenblack-rectangle-hi. He smiled, letting the black screen black screen their  black screen, reminiscent of night in Venice with two black-rectangle-hi whom he black-rectangle-hi with     his black-rectangle-hi before letting them black-rectangle-hi all over his .black screenblack screenblack screenblack screen

[Editor’s note: our legal team advised that we not print the above passage. We compromised on the edited passage you see above. We’re so sorry you had to read even this much.]

Well? What did I tell you? Art at its finest, my friend. Hollywood, I expect your call very soon.

Hi Zach,

Obviously literature is far superior to all other “art forms,” but I was wondering if there were any filmmakers you think are doing great work today?

-Skylar, Winnipeg

Hi Skylar,

I wish I could answer your question better, but unfortunately I don’t take in any other forms of art. Hell, I’ve never even read a book, including my own! I mean, I hear there’s guys making superhero movies, which is something the ignorant masses would be into, I guess. But again, I don’t watch any movies. Except pornography. I watch a lot of pornography. For research.


Fuck, Marry, Kill: Brad Pitt, Bradley Cooper, Brad Garrett.

-Stacy, St. Paul

Hi Stacy,

As much as I love playing this game, I’m afraid I can’t. I don’t know who Brad Pitt is. I don’t know who Bradley Cooper is. I think I saw Brad Garrett in a porno once.

[Editor’s note: Brad Garrett, star of Everybody Loves Raymond, has never acted in a pornographic film.]


The Higgs Weldon is an online humor magazine with funny articles, cartoons, and one liners. It was founded in the Los Angeles stand-up comedy community, but takes submissions from everybody. Please read and enjoy our jokes!

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