Life, Love and Other Mysteries: The Holidays!
December 24, 2014

Illustration by Paige Weldon

Merry Christmas to all my Christian readers and happy whatever to the heathens! With the holidays upon us, I am buried in nose-snow and questions dealing with the joyous season. The Christmas season always has me in a giving mood, so here I graciously give answers to all your burning questions about the most wonderful time of the year!

Hey Zach,

Happy holidays! My wife has brought to my attention that she would like a brand new car for a Christmas present this year. We both know that I can’t afford that, but she seems to be very adamant that this is what we need to “celebrate the season” and “save our marriage.” What should I do?

-Kenneth, Mississauga

Hi Kenneth,

Funny how wives seem to be the LEAST thankful around the Lord’s birthday, huh? Don’t worry though, Kenny. Having been through five marriages, I know how to deal with almost any situation. You’re going to buy her the car. Happy wife, happy person with new car. But you might be thinking, “Zach! This doesn’t solve my problem at all!” Shut up, Ken. Let me talk. On Christmas morning, your wife is going to wake up to a brand new vehicle of her choosing, and on New Year’s Day she is going to wake up to that car on fire. A fire that you have started, because you’re in control! You’re going to collect that insurance money, and explain to your wife that when you spend too much money, bad things happen. I promise that’s the last car she’ll ever ask for!

Hi Zach,

Help! I bought my girlfriend a diamond engagement ring for Christmas but I lost it! I’ve looked everywhere and can’t find it! It was 3 months salary and I can’t afford to buy another one! Ahhhh!!

-Bertrand, Pensacola

Hey Bert,

This is, as always, quite an easy fix. Your first mistake was spending that much dough on a ring. Someone’s pretty confident… Buy the cheapest ring you can find at Wal-mart (“Wal-mart: Because The Real Thing is Overrated”). Diamonds are inherently worthless, and most people can’t actually tell the difference between a diamond and any other worthless rock. Give her the cheap ring. If she buys it, you’re home free. If she thinks it’s fake, accuse her of not trusting you. Every strong marriage is held together by enormous guilt. Trust me, I would know!

Hello Zach,

I’ve always been curious: What does a world famous author do to celebrate Christmas?

-Bridgit, Myrtle Beach

Great question, Bridgit. I do the same thing every single year. I call all my children and hang up before they answer so I can’t be accused of not trying. Then I go to the IHOP around the corner from my apartment and spend $34.76 on a delicious meal. I also bring one of my books and wait for an audience to develop. Then I read them everyone’s favorite Christmas story “Santa Inadvertently Creates a Welfare State.” It tells the story of a man who, through free gift giving, creates an entire generation of entitled pricks who feed off the tit of the state. The elderly love it for the message and the kids love it for the pictures!



The Higgs Weldon is a humor website with funny stories, articles, cartoons, and one liners. It was started by the Los Angeles stand-up comedy community, but takes submissions from everybody. Please enjoy our jokes!


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