1) If your boring missionary-bound cousin asks for your hand in marriage, kindly suggest friendship instead.
2) Always bring proper shoes when hiking across the Moors.
3) Never break a chalkboard.
4) Don’t make friends with the sick kid. They always die on you.
5) Fear Hell.
6) Forgive bitches.
7) Never trust an interior decorator that suggests red furniture, paint, accent pillows, curtains, rugs, etc.
8) Don’t buy a house with an attic.
9) Always ask your boyfriend about his dating history before getting married.
10) Never spook a man’s horse.
11) Bring snacks to boarding school. The food there sucks.
12) When in doubt, blame it on the sewing lady.
13) If a man insults you, he likes you.
14) If he ignores you, he likes you.
15) If he brings other women home with him, he likes you.
16) Never become a married man’s mistress. You’re so much better than that, girl.
The Higgs Weldon is a humor website with funny stories, articles, cartoons, and one liners. It was started by the Los Angeles stand-up comedy community, but takes submissions from everybody. Please read and enjoy our jokes!