1. Getting too many calls from concerned friends? Put your cell phone on airplane mode! It’ll reduce the amount of “checking in” people do on you by 100%.
2. The average person wastes ten minutes a day in the shower. Why not apply more deodorant? It’s just as good, and you won’t have to see what overeating is doing to you!
3. A Costco membership will save you hundreds a year on the Hungry Man Dinners you’ve eaten twice a day, every day, since the divorce. They also sell cheap pizza slices that are great for eating alone in the car.
4. If you can’t wake up before noon, here’s a quick tip: who cares? Maybe people should try getting off your back.
5. Parents love your older brother more? Buy him something passive aggressive, like a book called How to Keep A Job for More than a Month. It’s a great way to look generous while still putting that shitlord in his place.
6. On average, people spend a mere five minutes a day muttering to themselves about childhood slights. Double that time with Muttr, a new app that crawls Facebook for old bullies, then shows you how well they’re doing! You’ll be smashing your phone against the ground in no time.
7. Finally, we know how hard it is to stay up until 3 a.m. looking out the window, wondering where your potential went. Try adding drinking to your pity routine! It’ll really supercharge your sad, wasted life.
The Higgs Weldon is a humor website with funny stories, articles, cartoons, and one liners. It was started by the Los Angeles stand-up comedy community, but takes submissions from everybody. Please read and enjoy our jokes!