Hey gang! In an effort to promote public awareness on the subject of TRUE ALASKA LIFE, we present to you these AWESOME ALASKAFACTS:
1. Contrary to popular belief, meth is only the fourth most common cause of death in Alaska. The first three most common fatality sources are: bears, being trapped under ice (with bears), and SuperMeth™.
2. “Eskimo” is a common, though inaccurate, term for the indigenous people of Alaska. It is often claimed that they possess over 400 words for “snow,” and while this is technically true, it is a vast oversimplification. Literally every word in the English language has a minimum of 400 synonyms in their language, making communication extremely difficult and leading to an extraordinary number of misunderstandings between cultures.
3. Many people know about the “Permanent Fund Dividend” – a check for several hundred dollars that Alaskans receive every year in exchange for allowing corporations access to their vast oil reserves. What fewer people realize is that the amenities hardly stop at a measly check. New citizens awaken each October to beautiful gift baskets packed with every conceivable type of meat. Citizens of at least a decade are allowed into the underground treasure lair located beneath the Ted Stevens estate, and may take with them as many jewels and gems as they can stuff into their pockets (a tip to newcomers – the ruby is cursed!). Elderly citizens who have lived their entire lives in Alaska and are pure of heart receive access to secret pages containing the royal line of Alaskan secession, and with it the chance to solve an ancient mystery – the reward for which is eternal life!
Those are all the ALASKAFACTS for this session, friends! Stay frosty, and for God’s sake, stay away from SuperMeth™!