Little Known Facts About Alaska: DISPATCHES FROM THE FROZEN NORTH!
By
August 5, 2013

This edition of LKFAA comes DIRECTLY FROM WITHIN THE BORDERS OF THE LAST FRONTIER!

-Hi there! Usually for this section I like to make up jokey facts about my home state, but this month I’m actually staying at my childhood home and I would like to talk a little bit about the real BEARS OH GOD BEARS EVERYWHERE THEY ARE COMING THROUGH THE FRONT DOOR AND THE WINDOWS

-Ha ha whoops! Sorry about that, I had to leave the house and now I’m writing from a small fishing boat just off the coast of Baranof Island. Did you know that Sitka, my home town, used to be the Russian Capital of Alaska and was actually the center of a massive fur trading empire that spanned JESUS CHRIST THE BEARS ARE RIDING KILLER WHALES PLEASE SEND HELP I THINK THEY ARE USING GUNS I AM NOT SURE HOW THAT ACTUALLY WORKS I THINK THEY ARE USING THEIR CLAWS TO PULL THE TRIGGERS

-Okay I made it to an airport and now I’m on a small bush plane, trying to get to Canada so I can hitch a ride back to the continental United States. As I take my leave of this majestic northern land, it’s hard for me to think of anything other than HOLY FUCKING SHIT THIS AIRPLANE IS ACTUALLY JUST A HUGE BEAR AND I AM IN IT’S STOMACH NOW – THERE ARE OTHER TINY BEARS IN HERE THAT THE HUGE BEAR MUST HAVE SWALLOWED AND THEY ARE ALL CARYING KNIVES PLEASE TELL MY FAMILY I LOVED THEM

 

 

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