Sarah Palin. Six months of darkness, followed by six months of light. Dog sledding. Igloos. Seeing Russia from your house. Eskimos.

Mention “Alaska” and you conjure one or all of these images for most Americans. While every single one of these things accurately represents the experience of growing up in Alaska, they hardly tell the whole story. Alaska is a big place! There is so much more to the last frontier than ice fishing in a parka while polar bears jump snowmobiles back and forth into Russia. In order to shed some light on the land of perpetual darkness, here are a few facts about Alaska:

-Secretary of State William H. Seward negotiated the purchase of Alaska from Russia in 1867. Seward intended to utilize the state’s size for establishing a massive circuit of theaters specializing in musical revues, hence Alaska’s nickname: “Seward’s Follies.”

-Alaskans refer to the Continental United States as “The Lower 48.” This not only refers to their relative geographic position, but also to a unique state ranking system based on apocalypse preparedness – Hawaii is number two, Idaho is number three, and so on. Florida remains unranked, but for unknown reasons Montana appears on the list twice, at numbers four and twenty-seven.

-Alaska not only threatened to secede from the United States multiple times, but actually did so in 2001. Alaska has technically been a sovereign nation for over a decade, with its own currency, capital, and royal line of succession. After dropping out of the 2012 presidential race, Ron Paul proclaimed himself “King of the North” and seized the frozen throne after murdering all surviving heirs. He soon ushered in a golden age of libertarian values from his ice-castle located twenty miles north of Anchorage, where he is expected to reign for the next 1000 years.

That’s all for this installment of Little Known Facts About Alaska. We hope to see you again soon! So long, or as we say up north, “All Hail King Paul and painful death to his enemies!”


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