Women’s magazines are full of “hot sex tips,” and “moves to make him scream,” but you don’t always have the energy for all that. Where’s a gal to turn when she just wants to make her man say, “meh?” Here are some tepid tips that will leave you both moaning, “…sure,” served sizzling warmish at room temperature.

Illustration by Paige Weldon

Illustration by Paige Weldon

Roses, the flowers that have represented love and romance and passion since the beginning of time, are expensive. They’re just going to die anyways! A bouquet of drugstore carnations will do just fine. You may have to pull them out of a pot that says “World’s Best Teacher” on it, but at least they’re something.

You know that song that sometimes comes on the radio? The one you don’t actively like or have a desire to hear, but will wait through without changing the station? Play that song while you do it.

Strawberries and whipped cream are the classic sexy treat, but aren’t always practical. Strawberries are so fickle about seasons and whipped cream is fattening. Go for something more practical, like fiber-rich oatmeal. Spoon hot oatmeal into each other’s faces, and don’t worry if it gets messy; oatmeal works as a natural exfoliator.

No need to get too fancy with your undergarments. It’s all coming off anyways. Pick up a Hanes twelve-pack. Just try for something without any period stains.

Kiss each other, with your eyes wide open. Don’t blink for as long as you can possibly can. Stare into each other’s eyes without breaking eye contact.

The balls are an extremely sensitive area, so remember not to ignore them. Greet them civilly. Poke them ever so lightly, as if to say, “I acknowledge that you’re at this party, and though I hold no ill will towards you, I don’t wish to engage in conversation right now.”

General and non-specific half-hearted licking

Engage in dirty talk. Start with how much you hate your jobs or how your apartment hunt has been going. Let it lead up to you telling him how not unflattering that one shirt he wore last week was.

Find some erotic literature and read it out loud to each other. Something like, “He mhhhmmed his hmmmgh into/onto/over her gjgjfkwkmd.” If you come across anything good, feel free to write to us and let us know what you found. Not that we don’t know what sex is. Of course we know what sex is. We are all over sex, with its parts and insertions and crevices and liquids and skin and nails and hammers and magnets and sorcerers’ spells. We love sex; that’s why we write about it so much. But hey, feel free to share.

They say that amazing sex is like two souls mingling. So let your two souls mingle like the only two somewhat attractive employees in an office mingling in the break room around Karen the receptionist’s birthday cake.  They’ve made each other laugh once or twice before. Hey, maybe they’ll go out for happy hour sometime.


The Higgs Weldon is a humor website with funny articles, cartoons, and one liners. It was started by the Los Angeles stand-up comedy community, but takes submissions from everybody. Please read and enjoy our jokes!