Making the Bat Most-vah of Your Bat Mitzvah
By
February 25, 2015

This is what you’ve been begrudgingly attending Hebrew school once a week for six years for. This is the moment your minimal efforts to memorize a Torah portion to recite have all been about. A party! A party all for you! And what could be more fun than a party of twelve and thirteen year olds, surrounded by old people and relatives you don’t know? Almost anything, it turns out. But right now, this is set to be the best day of your young life, your day to be special, to impress people. It can be overwhelming, and that’s why I’m here with some hot tips for planning a great Bat Mitzvah.

The Theme

Themes are hard. How can some under-the-sea decorations compete with the girl who had her party on an actual yacht on the ocean? You weren’t invited but you heard great things. Apparently she had an etch-a-sketch portraitist. You’ve never even heard of that before. But people will like your henna artist station too, I’m sure. Pre-teens love temporarily decorating their bods. Choose a theme that means something to who you are at the moment, something you like. Maybe not Alcatraz though, something else, like getting your braces off. Maybe just go with a color scheme, like the silver, pink and blue of your Betsey Johnson prom dress. Yes it’s boring, but so are you for the next few years.

The Dress

You need a special dress for your special day. Consider, this is maybe the last period of your life where you don’t absolutely have to wear a bra with your dress, so take advantage. Maybe you’ve just recently started wearing bras with cups after a girl in the P.E. locker room made a comment about the three cotton training bras you wear on top of each other everyday because you’re not ready to admit that you’re really growing up into a teenager but one flimsy piece of cotton just cannot do the job anymore. Women’s clothes are not made to accommodate bras, ride out the tail end of this wave before it breaks and go backless or strapless, something like a sparkly princess Betsey Johnson prom dress.

Hair and Makeup

Was it really only a month ago that you let your best friend convince you to let her cut your already short hair and it ended predictably in disaster? I can’t even tell! Stick some sparkly bobby pins in and you’re good to go. Ask your makeup artist upstairs neighbor who has kindly agreed to turn you into a beautiful swan to add volume to your hair so that your voluminous Betsey Johnson prom dress doesn’t make your tiny head that you’re so self conscious about look even tinier.

Your Date

Do you dare invite your crush? He’s more popular than you and might not come, might even laugh at the invite. But what if he did come? What if? Don’t bother, too scary.

Pre-Party Prep

Your uterus has probably showed you its reenactment of the first of the ten plagues for the first time recently, and you’re terrified that it will strike again. Like a man who owes money to the mob, you are constantly looking over your shoulder, waiting for the hit to come. Oh god, what if it’s today. What if it’s today while you gracelessly dance with your friends to “Footloose” in your beloved Betsey Johnson prom dress? “Footloose” is the one song where you really shine. You can’t stop thinking about it. You’ve gotta prepare, give yourself peace of mind on your special day. You have no use for tampons, the bipolar girl in your bunk at Jewish sleep away camp hasn’t talked you through how to use those yet, so you need to gather up some pads. Hide those pads in your tiny purse, and when you get to the hotel, go to the bathroom closest to the party room and hide them deep in the seat cover dispenser in the stall two right from the furthest wall. What if someone finds them? They’ll never know its you! At the end of the day, you won’t even need them and you’ll leave them for a confused hotel maid to discover.

Have a great party! But remember, it will suck because thirteen year-olds are sad, but you’ll be way less sad in seven years and it won’t even be because of a party or a Betsey Johnson prom dress. Congrats on your Bat Mitzvah!

 

The Higgs Weldon is a humor website with funny stories, articles, cartoons, and one liners. It was started by the Los Angeles stand-up comedy community, but takes submissions from everybody. Please enjoy our jokes!


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