Hello there, I am from the future. Most people can sense my time traveling essence and that is why they are wary of me and refuse to talk to me. They usually clam up around me like Zoegleedons (a space alien who visits my future earth), I don’t care, I just flip down my visor, power up my electric sneaks and strut off. I have other fashions from the future. I wear a vest with many pockets. Inside the many pockets are star foods and varied tech. Star foods are anything puréed and frozen. Sometimes I put skirt steaks in my ninja juicer then freeze the remains for popsicles. In my pockets now are toasters strudel and some gummy bears I’ve mashed into a huge ball, only the reds. I also like to eat dehydrated figs and apricots.

I usually wear leggings and slick my naturally albino hair back with Brill Cream. If I ever step into a wormhole, for inter-dimensional expeditions across the void of space time, I want to be as aerodynamic as possible. Did I mention the UV rays in the future are so radioactive birds choose to live underground? I know crazy right? They burrow into the crusty dirt with their beaks then form pigeon communities and the like. Most of them don’t have eyes anymore and live like voles. Toucans and penguins are extinct. Parrots whisper people’s secrets from the hollowed out parts of anthills.

The UV rays don’t affect most humans though and the ones it did affect have been pulverized to smithereens. Some others have become mutated with many eyes, limbs, appendages, or have gained special powers like teleporting road kill off the street or frost breath.

In my time our family’s gardener can spray water out of his palms to tend to the azaleas and cacti I’ve planted. Some say he’s just sweating but I have it on special intel that he is one of the super humans. I  have a lot of things on my mind, how Morgan Freeman in the future still looks the same age and the worm that willed himself to grow hands to name a few. That’s why I wear the banner of celibacy, although women fawn over me they’re always too nervous to talk to me. I need the extra time anyways for my hobbies. On quiet afternoons I lie down in an airfield and shine my laser pointer at passing jets. I made one swerve once. Probably thought he was being targeted by an insect sniper. We have those in the future. Anyways, that’s how I test my equipment. So, even if he crashed I bet you he would understand and not hold a grudge because we are both professionals.

In summation, I am perfect for Capital Segway Tours and you should hire me. The segway is the vehicle of the future, believe me I would know, and I am a passerby from that much better time than the present moment time. I could even be related to you, the son of the son of the son of your son’s daughter. 

The applicant simply named “Z” winks at his potential employer. The employer does not reciprocate. He does feel the strange futuristic man, covered in blinking lights, sitting in front of him, shares some slight familial resemblances. Mainly the albino-ness and the cape they both wear. He shudders then screams, “NEXT!”




The Higgs Weldon is a humor website with funny stories, articles, cartoons, and one liners. It was started by the Los Angeles stand-up comedy community, but takes submissions from everybody. Please read and enjoy our jokes!


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